Falling to Pieces
by HunterJumpergirl26
Summary: Meredith left Seattle three years ago realizing she was complicating Dereks life. Instead of building him the house of candles she left and decided he'd be better off with Rose. Takes place in season four please R&R it will be worth it
1. Chapter 1

**So Meredith left Seattle during season four when Derek started dating Rose and their clinical trial was a success. Instead of going to his land and making the house of candles she up and left not wanting to hurt Derek anymore. She realized that she was no good for him. Not entirely sure where this is going yet but MerDer are by far my fav couple so we'll just see how this goes. Reviews are appreciated as well as suggestions (:!**

It's been three years since I left Seattle. I can say my life is better now it's more intact and I'm more focused on what I should be focusing on. Leaving Derek Shepard was the hardest thing I have ever done. He is the love of my life. But, I love him too much to hurt him. And by being in Seattle I was hurting him. Using him for sex. He's better than that. As much as we tried to make it work it never did. So, it's better for both of us to be away from each other. Because I'm scary and damaged and he needs better and I don't want him waiting around forever to get someone that's good for him. Rose is good for him. She's stable she won't leave him or hurt him and she wants what he wants to settle down have a family and they are happy together at this very moment I'm sure of it. I did the right thing for him and me. Baltimore is treating me well. I'm a fifth year resident and believe it or not my specialty is pediatrics. I specialize in children with brain tumors mostly but I do it all hearts, livers, brains you name it. This was the last specialty I thought I would ever get into. But my mother messed me up more than I know. Shockingly by being in Peds it prevents me from turning into her. Because to be in this specialty you have to have a heart. These children need someone to be kind and caring to them, it's more than just cutting. My friends here are great, not as good as Cristina, George, Izzie, and Alex but their good friends. My old friends come to visit when they can. Cristina comes out once every two months and we catch up. Besides Derek, Cristina is the person I miss most. Patrick, Tina, Archie, Neila, and Eli are great. Neila is my kind of sort of Cristina. She's my Cristina of Johns Hopkins. Patrick is a fifth year resident like me and Neila and he's fun to party with. Tina just fits in with our group. Archie is my mentor. Dr. Archer Adams one of the most respected Pediatric Surgeons in the country and the man who inspired me to go into Peds in the first place. So believe it or not but Meredith Grey child of Darkness has actually found a way to be somewhat happy. Eli is my fiancée, the thought makes me laugh but, I never thought I would get married in a million years. Hell I wasn't even wanting relationship but Eli just happened. He is my Rose. He's not Derek but he's cute and funny and smart and one hell of a good Cardio Surgeon. He, like Cristina is the next up and coming thing in Cardio, so naturally Cristina loves him. The sex is great. Still though I don't get that feeling I used to get with Derek after the one where the whole world stops and I feel completely safe but still, its ok things are looking up. The wedding is in 8 months George, Cristina, Izzie and Alex are all flying down for the wedding they all love Eli too. And so do I, I love Eli. Things with Eli are easy there not complicated and that's exactly what I need right now. Believe or not the ceremony is actually kinda big it's on the beach and my I'm going dress shopping in a couple of weeks. I'm not into the whole wedding thing but Eli is so why not make him happy. So for now things are working out and thought I will always love Derek Shepard, Eli and I will be happy together.

The crisp air hitting my face feels soothing after being in the hot shower. Its November so the air is getting cool. It's my favorite time of year. Being a fifth year resident has perks. I could never say three years ago that I was able to be at the hospital by eight for my first routine surgery of the day. Then I would be out of here by six. Eli and I are going out to dinner tonight for a romantic evening taking advantage of the excellent hours we both seemed to magicly receive this week. Johns Hopkins is much different than Seattle Grace. The layout the look the environment, everything.

"hello beautiful, sleep well" smirks Eli his shaggy blond hair kept nicely and his beautiful bright green eyes staring into my greyish blue ones. I smile at him at him and he leans in a plants a soft kiss on my lips then the top of my head.

" why of course because our bed is just so comfy" I joke knowing he was on call and did not have the luxury of sleeping in it.

"oh, now that's just cruel of you Meredith Grey" he jokes with a pretend look of hurt on his face. I smile at this.

"you smell very good by the way" he whispers smelling my hair. Lavender, men really seem to love the scent but for reason Eli didn't so now I use his favorite vanilla.

"well it is your favorite scent?" I say as I lean in kissing him.

"that it is" he says pressing his lips to my temple

Beep beep beep. _Shit_.we stare at eachother for a moment knowing that I was paged 911 I start to run off towards the ER.

"what have you got for me?" I question.

"Chloe Arunski, 8yr old female suffured an head injury during a fall in an ice skating competition pupils are dialated and I'd guess there's a hematoma.

I let out a long sigh. Poor thing must be terrified.

"Chloe my name is doctor Meredith Grey and I'm gonna be your doctor everything's going to be fine ok we're just gonna take you down for a head CT."

"o-o-kk " she stutters timidly.

"oh its ok baby your going to fine your doctor going to take great care of you ok I promise." She leaned down and kissed her little girl on the head.

"hi are you her mother?" I question.

"yes, Kathleen nice to meet you doctor Grey" she says still in tears.

"I promise I'm going to take great care of your daughter she will be fine" I reassure her.

"so you think she has a hematoma?" she asks worriedly.

"yes. Are you a doctor?" I question

"I'm a shrink, but my younger brother and sister are both neurosurgeons" she states.

"oh, well I promise you I will do everything I can to make sure she's okay"

"thankyou so much Dr. Grey!"

Just as I suspected Chloe had bleed, but with a couple hours of surgery I was able to fix it and with time she'd be back to her old self. The repair was simple one as well wich made it all the more easier on her mother. Once I explained everything to her very nervous mother and father and brothers and sisters. I preformed a craniotomy and a kidney transplant. Overall I had a good day for surgeon and saved three lives. Now it was time to go out with Eli. I changed into a tight grey spaghetti strap dress that shows off my figure nicely. Simon got for me as a gift to wear out. He hates my clothes. We have differences when it comes to how I should dress. He thinks pinks and dresses and crap look gorgeous on me where as I'm fine with just jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt. I also slipped into a pair of blue Prada heels which tipped the outfit off perfectly my hair was in long loose curls and my hair was honey golden blonde against my pail skin. I slipped some brown mascara, grey eyeliner and purple eye shadow onto my eyes. Put clear lip gloss on lips and I'm ready to go out. Walking out of my office I spot Eli. He looks hot. His hair is slightly less groomed, giving him a sexy look. His eyes are brighter than ever and he's sporting an expensive sleek grey suit that shows him off nicely. He's chatting with some people friendly which I assume are a patient's family. He spots me and I smile at him and he flashes a smile back and motions for me to come over. Weird, why would he want me to meet a patient's family it doesn't make sense.

I make my way over and stop dead in my tracks. Those blue eyes seem to look deep into my soul. Its like I'm seeing a ghost he looks at me with surprise in his eyes. Seeing him with her is like having someone punch me in the stomach, hard. All the air seems to be knocked out of me and it's hard for me to breathe. Knowing he's with her and seeing him with her are two different things.

"this is my gorgeous fiancée Meredith Grey, she preformed your nieces surgery doctor Shepard" he states proudly. We stare at each other for a bit longer. Hearing the work fiancée have him a pained expression.

"It's nice to see you again doctor Grey, thank you for saving Chloe's life" he states politely. Still staring at me giving me the look. The oh so Mcdreamy look that just melts me where I stand. Rose flashes me a dirty look defensively grabbing his hand. Eli puts his hand around my waist.

"well we better get going so we don't miss our reservations" he beams. These kinds of things really excite him. Derek and Rose nod slightly and Eli puts my coat on and we make our way to the car. Derek staring at me the whole time with those eyes. _Crap!_ Why is this happening now? Seriously! What are the chances.

**So what did you think? Please R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so I potentially have about 15+ chapters planned out depending on how many ppl R&R (:. I rly excited to write this! If I can a good amount of reviews per chapter I will update at least once weekly but it all depends I hope you enjoy!**

Waking up in the warmth of bed is nice. I never want to get out at his moment. With Eli snuggling up against me and the secure warmth I feel nothing can ruin it. Derek. Derek being here is seriously messing things up. I'm still not over him! It took me long enough to actually be able to function without him and now, he's back. Seeing him made my heart flutter the way he looked at me with those eyes made me melt internally. Eli, of course being oblivious to the fact that I even knew Derek doesn't even know and I feel slightly guilty for that. He deserves to know but him knowing would just complicate things more. I've worked so hard to get to the point where I'm at now. In Seattle I was so distracted but here I'm always right on what I need to be doing. Working so desperately not to become Ellis Grey is tiring. Though at the moment I'm succeeding it's still tiring as hell. Eli doesn't really get it because he didn't know my mother. But the last thing I want is to be alone and dying of Alzheimers with a daughter who resents me for never being there. Eli doesn't want kids which makes it so much easier on me not having to worry about being suck a crappy mother to my kids as my mom was to me. Being the top resident in the program also has its perks. At SGH I was too distracted to get anything done but here I'm the one to watch. Proving my mother wrong is the cherry on top. In Peds I'm the one to watch. The best resident in the country mastering procedures I shouldn't have to know for at least another year or two. Though Eli would never admit I'm even better than he is. Hell I may even be ahead of Cristina. The thought of making it as a surgeon brings this excitement I've never felt before I'm so used to things turning out shitty but now, what I want is in my grasp I just have to take it. My dead mommy would most definitely be proud and she'd be eating her words wright now.

I slip into a grey pinstripe pencil skirt with a white button up shirt on top. The way I dress does not look like me. Granted I look more professional but I miss wearing jeans and a t shirt to work every day. But when you're a top surgical resident at Johns Hopkins they want you to look the part and my clothes just didn't cut it. Taming my hair so that it has beautiful luscious curls was task but it paid off because it does look great.

"Babe get your coat on we gotta go now or we'll be late" calls Eli

With that I slip into blue coat he gives me a kiss and were out the door and on our way to work. Seeing Derek makes me nervous yet in a pathetic kind of way _e_xcited. I mean seriously though how pathetic is the fact that I'm excited to see him?

"you okay Meri you seem a little quiet?" he asks concern in his voice.

"yeah I'm fine you just kept me up a little too late last night." I joke with a naughty tone to my voice.

"touché" he winks.

The sliding doors slide open and we enter the surgical wing of the hospital. That means I'm going to have to face Derek soon. The look on his face when Eli told him I was his fiancée broke my heart. His look was of devastation. I could see it in his eyes the light left them. Rose and Eli may not have noticed it but I did immediately. Scrubs! Finally comfortable clothes to wear. These clothes make me feel uncomfortable their too form fitting and they make me look like one of those horny receptionists. And their ridiculous!

"Meredith before you change into your scrubs go do your post-ops really quick" instructs Dr. Roberts one of the attendings. Damn. This means Derek has to see me in this ridiculous outfit. Embarrassment immediately bubbles through I can feel my cheeks beginning to get redder by the second. Walking towards the room my heart begins to race seeing Derek, hearing Derek makes me feel like hiding in a supply closet forever. Chloe looks up at me with her pretty deep brown eyes and smiles. I smile back.

"Hello doctor Grey" she almost chants

"hi Chloe how are you feeling?" I ask slightly concerned I can already feel those blue eyes watching me. Resisting the urge to glance over at Derek I keep my attention on her.

"much better thank you doctor Grey" she smiles up at me. Finally my eyes glance over to Derek who, to my surprise doesn't have Rose with him. His eyes meet mine for a second and everything feels as it should be. Quickly I turn away and continue the exam.

"ok you look good" I smile "you can probably be out of here in a week." I say.

Dashing out of there as quickly as possible I can feel him following me into the hallway. Crap! He grips my arm lightly. Were in a supply closet and I can feel his soft presence in the room. He turns me around so I'm looking him in the face.

"your engaged" he says softly avoiding my gaze. I nod. "your engaged and you're not with me." He says softly a bit sadder this time. He finally meets my gaze and I can't resist myself so I stroke his hair and offer him a weak smile.

"why did you leave?" he choked out.

"I-i don't know what to, what to s-say. I just felt like everything was wrong and I was turning into my mother and that's not who I want to be" I say tears starting to form in my eyes. Immediately he wipes them away and presses his forehead to mine.

"I miss you more than anything" he whispers into me. We stand there for a while taking each other in. being held by Derek has never felt so good. Quickly I break it up. And he looks at me longingly. I start to walk away but, he pulls me close to him by the hand.

"listen your engaged so, I get it but I can't live without you even if that means we can only be friends" he says softly. I nod and start to walk away.

" by the way you look very pretty" he whispers. I can't help but blush. He thinks I look pretty. The thought made me happy. It kept me happy all day. Crap! I'm so screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

**So here's ur update (: hope you enjoy I have lots planned for this story. Don't worry. So if I can get 6 reviews you will have another update by Sunday if not it will be longer and the next chapter is a good one. **

He looked at me with his bright blue eyes and smiled. I couldn't help but return it. Having Derek here is both a gift and a curse. Resisting Derek is nearly impossible but, I have to. Derek is part of the past and I'm moving on with my life. Derek is ok with being friends and now, so am I. I really wasn't at first but for the four days he's been here I've felt alive inside. I have not felt like this since when I was an intern and he was trying desperately to get me to go on a date with him. Having Derek back in life as a friend is a good thing.

"how was your liver transplant Dr. Grey?" he questions truly interested in how it went. I take my surgical mask and throw it to the ground. Tears of defeat begin to sting my eyes and he notices immediately. How do I tell his parents? He was only 12 years old and now, he's dead. Going in for a relatively simple procedure for me but the donated liver just didn't take and as hard as I tried and tried he just couldn't be saved.

"no." he says lightly. I nod feeling the lump in my throat growing by the minute and my ability to breathe deteriorating. "Mer, I' so sorry but just know these things happen. It's horrible but they happen." He says compassionately. With that he takes me into his arms while I cry. Sobs attack my whole body. We stand there for a while and he's just stroking my hair and whispering to me soothingly. Finally I break contact and we stare at each other for a long moment.

"how do I tell his parents?" I question.

"that's the hardest part, even I ask myself that question." He says rubbing my arm. He wipes away the remaining tears with his finger lightly.

"thanks Der" I say a smile starting to spread on my lips.

Telling Robbie's parents was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There screams and cries could be heard all through the hospital I could say was I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's really not enough. Containing my own tears was the hardest part. Going out with Neila tonight is exactly what I need. I slip into a low cut grey long sleeve shirt and a pair of incredibly tight jeans. My hair is long, sleek and straight. My eyes currently match the grey of my shirt. Slipping into my blue coat I go to meet Neila.

"bad day?" she states.

"you have no idea." I respond.

We get into my blue SUV and we head off towards the nearest bar. Neila is currently single which means she will most definitely be getting some action tonight. Guys loved her because she was exotic and gorgeous. She had a slight fling with Eli before I arrived believe it or not. We sit there discussing everything that's gone on in our day. Both of us chugging tequila. A few hours later we're a little too drunk. Feeling my mood getting lighter and lighter I begin to laugh and have fun. We joke and smile and laugh and just keep drinking.

A few more hours later and I can feel myself getting and drunker and drunker but I don't care I need this right now and I haven't been able to do this in the longest time. The feeling of freedom and not caring feels amazing. And of course the song Bohemian Rhapsody starts playing and instantly Neila beings to sing along, she is very fun when she's drunk. She pulls me up and I find myself singing along too, loud I don't even know when and how it happened.

"Mamma just killed a man put a gun against his head pulled my trigger now he's DEAD!" we both chant in sync. Getting more into we start to add dance moves as well. Embarresingly enough this song is one of my favorites to jam out to. When the rock and roll verse comes on the whole bar begins to stare because in that instance we got up onto the table and started jamming out and dancing like fools on top of the table.

"**Oh Babayyyyy!" we sing out loud again soon the whole bar begins to join and guys start to grind on us. We really are the life of the party. I let out another carefree laugh and continue to drink my tequila! **_**Thud! **_**Suddenly pain begins to radiate through my head as I hit the floor. Neila bends down to make sure I'm alright. **

"I'm fin-ne" I slur with my head throbbing. Ugh of course I had to be the idiot to fall of the bar table and bump my head. The bartender looks at me with concern in his eyes.

"I called you girls a cab I think it's time for you to go home." He says and with that we thank him and take the cab.

Stepping into my apartment I instantly being to feel the nausea overtake me. I make a run for the bathroom as quickly as I can and my stomach contents empty into the toilet. Eli is there holding back my hair while I barf.

"Jesus Mer your wasted!" he exclaims with some anger in his voice.

He carries me into bed and I fall asleep. The morning is not treating me well I can feel my head throbbing and EIi still at my side.

"Mer, you were so drunk last night it was disgusting." He says quietly.

"I know." I apologize "My patient Robbie dyed and I was just a little upset and I'm sorry." I say ashamed.

"I know, losing a patient is hard babe but you can't just go get wasted everytime something bad happens you're not that girl anymore Mer! He exclaims the agitation becoming evident in his voice. With that he kisses me softly on the lips and pulls me into him. Taking in his scent I smile and he laughs quietly.

"you know I must say your very entertaining when your drunk" though he says flashing a bigger smile.

"what did I do" embarrassment ripping through me.

"you were very into the idea of us getting married naked" he says with a slightly dirty tone to his voice.

"was I now?" I say "And people think being drunk impairs your judgment, I think that's the best idea I've had in a while" I tease naughtily.

'I can help but agree he says slipping down my panties.

Three orgasms later and my satisfaction is felt. Heading to work for a brand new day where I can save lives. Thanks to Der I know now all I can do is move on the next patient and try like hell to save them. Derek is a big help to have around because without him I honestly don't know how I would have been able to tell that poor boy's family. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. But who was I kidding this is me we're talking about so in a matter of time things will get worse.

**R&R please! And just putting this out there GA season premiere is next week I'm so excited (:!**


	4. Chapter 4

**So just to clarify, Murders will be together ;). I was going to reveal in this chapter that Derek broke up with Rose but he didn't tell Mer b/c he didn't want her to freak out about it b/c come on, it's Mer she totally would. And yes Derek never loved Rose he was using her because he missed Meredith. Also if I can get 8 reviews I will update sometime this week. Be, patient because I promise Mer and Der will be together! I'm planning on having this story fairly long. Also this is Meredith and Derek we're talking about nothing is ever simple with them. Thanks for all the great reviews I've been getting! I'm glad you enjoy this. So please R&R I love hearing feedback. Just for a little spoiler next chapter Mer will be returning to Seattle for the week, and it just so happens to be the week of Halloween.**

**p.s. for those who are pumped for the season 7 premiere has some sneak peeks up if u want to see them (:**

"Dr. Grey, how sure are you that this is going to work?" Mrs. Meyer asked me nervously.

"I worked on the clinical trial myself in Seattle for a while but, there's only been one success." I say stating the complete truth. She looks at me defeated.

"A-are you sure that we can't keep up with the Chemo or the radiation because I mean it could work and this surgery is risky for her and" I cut her off.

"Mrs. Meyer, The Shepard Method is the last chance Lilly has at survival, the outlook doesn't look but, I know Derek Shepard and I can tell you your daughter couldn't be in better hands I would take my own child to him." I say trying to calm her down. She looks at me with the tears in her eyes are beginning to subside.

"And it could work, I mean she could live and be tumor free?" she questions.

"The odds are stacked against her but yes, it could very well work." I say with a weak smile spreading across my face. She pulls me into a hug. Thank you doctor Grey. I hear her whisper.

" will be here late tonight and we'll do the surgery first thing in the morning." I inform her. And with that I leave the room.

It's been one month since Derek came here to Baltimore. Chloe healed well and was sent home a week later and Derek went home soon after. Since his return I find myself thinking of him just a little more. I never really realized how much I missed him. I'm excited he's coming back here. Also I'm jumping at the chance to get to operate with him again because, he's an amazing surgeon. The main reason Derek's coming here is because of me. Lilly Meyer, my patient has a brain tumor that is inoperable. After months of Chemo and Radiation treatments to try and get rid of it it's only gotten worse and though it's risky her only shot right now is the clinical trial, which by the way I refuse to call the Shepard Method. I am slightly pissed that Derek gave all the credit to himself when I came up with the idea but, right now that really doesn't matter what matters is the fact that this little girl needs her shot at surviving and I want to do everything I can to save her and Derek is a vital part of that scenario happening.

After a long boring day of covering the E.R. Derek is finally coming into town. He texted me telling me he is on his way in. I can't help but check myself out in mirror making sure I don't have lunch in my teeth or an ugly zit of face.

"Checking yourself out for me I see" Derek cuts in arrogantly. I can feel my cheeks immediately starting to redden, he wasn't supposed to see that!

"You wish." I say trying to deflect back. He laughs and pulls me into a hug.

"So where's our little patient." He questions. I start to walk towards Lilly's room and he follows.

"Derek, thank you so much for doing this, I mean for flying in to help me with this." I say truly thankful he flew all the way out here just to help me out.

"Anything for you Mer plus, this is a little kid and she needs her shot." He says in a more serious tone.

His blue eyes seem to pierce right through me, especially under the O.R. lights.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun." He says. Oh how I miss that corny little phrase of his. He takes the scalpel and makes the first cut. He takes the saw and exposes her brain with me assisting him. As we inject the virus, as always we are perfectly in sync.

Excitement burns through both me and Derek. The surgery _worked_ it really worked. This small little victory makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. The uncharacteristically huge smile spreading across my face is uncontrollable. Obviously Mr. and Mrs. Meyer notice as well because they immediately stand up and mirror my exact smile.

"The surgery was a success." I state proudly

"It couldn't have gone better" Derek insists. Tears immediately begin to form in both of their eyes. And they pull us both into hugs.

"Thank you so much Doctors!" they both say.

This has been by far the best day I've had in a while. Getting to do our clinical trial and saving Lilly was great! And having Derek here is just the cherry on top.

"So, I say we go out for celebratory drinks." He says smiling. Apprehensively I reply.

"Um… Ok, just let me go home and change and I'll meet you up there in about an hour." I reply I can tell he's happy that I obliged.

"Ok, see you then" he says flashing me a Mcdreamy smile. Going home is a necessity because I wore of that slutty receptionist looking outfit to work again and I won't be caught dead with Derek seeing me in an outfit like that again and I certainly can't wear scrubs out to a bar.

"Hey, so I heard your surgery was a success and that you kicked ass!" Eli exclaims.

"Yeah, I'm pretty thrilled actually" I say smiling at him.

"Well, I'd go out and celebrate but I have a Humpty Dumpty Surgery to scrub in on" he says.

"No, its fine actually me, Derek and the rest of the team are going out to celebrate anyway. Good luck with your surgery." I say. With that he kisses me and I leave to stop at home before going to out.

After quickly taking I shower and drying my hair I slip into a green long sleeve shirt and jeans. I put on a small amount of brown eye makeup and with that I'm out the door.

Walking into the bar I spot him immediately he smiles and I return one. I sit down next to him and order the usual, straight tequila. Catching up with Derek is nice. It feels good to be chatting with him again just like old times. I'm just in the middle of telling Derek all about back packing through Europe when a man approaches and looks at me with a smile starting to form. He points and a look of realization crosses his face instantly I can feel panic bubbling within me.

"You're that Bohemian Rhapsody girl!" he exclaims. Great! Just freaking great! This is the last thing I need especially with Derek here right next to me. Derek looks at me with a confused expression on his face. Instantly I try and deny it.

"Um.. I think your confusing me with someone else" I say trying to act confused.

"No!" he exclaims "I remember you and your other hot friend got pretty drunk and you guys were singing at the top of your lungs and dancing on top of tables." He says starting to laugh. With that Derek instantly starts to laugh hysterically along with the guy. Embarrassment begins to seep through me. Finally the laughing subsides from both of them.

"But hey is your head okay? You fell pretty damn hard off that bar stool." He questions.

"Mer, what happened to your head are you alright?" Derek says his amusement turning to concern.

"Yeah Der I was fine just a little bump" I assure him. When he hears that the guy finally walks away leaving me and Derek sitting next to each other alone again.

"You know Derek there was no need to hover. Obviously I'm fine" I say

"I know but I guess old habits die hard." He says.

"Guess you're right." I say

"I'm always right" he states arrogantly.

"You keep telling yourself that." I say jokingly.

"So, how are things with Rose?" immediately his facial expression changes and his gaze averts to his drink. Crap! Am I not supposed to mention Rose?

"We broke up." He says softly. He brings his gaze back to me and I can't help but look shocked.

"Why?" I ask.

"Things weren't going well for a while, even before we flew in to check on Chloe we were on the verge of breaking up" he says.

"I'm sorry" I say apologetically.

"Don't be, it was for the best anyway." He says lightly.

Hours later we're still chatting away. I love how he can keep me chatting for hours.

"So… how did you break your nose." I say a smile starting to spread across my face.

"Do you really wanna know?" he says almost taunting me now.

"Yes! You would never tell me when we were together!" I say. He never did tell me and it agitated the hell out of me.

"Well I won't tell you now" he says tauntingly he just loves to agitate me.

"I'll make you a deal, if you tell me how you broke your nose then I'll tell you anything you want to know about me." I say

"Anything?" he says beginning to smirk.

"Anything" I agree.

"Deal" he says.

"So, when me and Mark were fourteen Mark dragged me to a big party even though I wasn't really into them Mark was and I was forced to go. I was supposed to meet my little sister Amy after to school to walk home with her because she was scared to walk home by herself. Me and Mark went to the party and had a couple drinks but, Mark started hitting on some senior's girlfriend and pissed the guy off as usual. So regardless Mark and I got kicked out of the party."

"Wait all he did was kick you out? Then how did you break your nose?" I question.

"I was getting to that Mer." He says his cheek color starting to redden.

"Like I said we got kicked out and just walked back to my house. And when I got there Amy was crying because I forgot to walk her home. My mother wasn't home either because she was working so; it was just me, Amy, Mark, and Kathleen in the house alone. I felt bad and went to apologize to Amy but, she didn't accept it she got so mad she punched me in the nose and… that's how I broke it." He says. I can see his cheeks reddening by the minute. Immediately I let out a laugh.

"So, basically your twelve year old sister kicked your ass!" I say not containing my laughter.

"Hey! It's not funny!" he exclaims "I have to live with this crooked nose for the rest of my life." He says pretending to be hurt.

"Now I see why you would never tell me." I laugh.

"She damaged my Mcdreamy face." He says arrogantly.

"Eh… Your face is not that Mcdreamy" I say teasing him.

"Oh whatever you say Mer but we both know it is" he says smirking at me.

"Crap! It's two a.m.! I have to be at the hospital by six tomorrow. I gotta go home and get some sleep." I say

"Yeah and my flight leaves at eight." He says. With that I start to walk away.

"Wait a minute Grey! You promised me a story!" he says

"Next time Derek I promise" I say getting satisfaction out of the fact that he'd have to wait.

"You did this on purpose" he says, his eyes narrowing at me. I smile.

"Pretty much" I respond.

"Now that's just not fair" he says.

"Life's not fair" I repent.

"Good one" he says.

"Bye Derek" I say lightly.

"Bye Meredith" he says. "When you come to Seattle to visit in two weeks your telling me my story." He says and with that I leave the bar and start to head home.

Climbing into bed I feel the exhaustion creep over me. I can't help but feel happy that I'm going back to Seattle in two weeks, I miss everyone and I kind of miss my house. I'm oddly happy about the fact that Derek broke up with Rose. Wow! I am so selfish and pathetic. I mean seriously! How can I be happy about that? What kind of terrible person would be happy about that? Getting more agitated with me I finally let myself drift off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**So, here**** is my update! Mer is in Seattle for the week because she is getting married in a week in a half. But, don't fear because like I said she and Derek will be together. It is coming very, very soon! It's Halloween (:! Also what did you guys think of the premiere? I thought it was good. Loved Richard dancing in his office and when Der quite his job as chief two of the best scenes by far! But did it bother anyone else that in his flashback scene when he's waking up from surgery he wakes up to April? I mean seriously that's the last person I'd want to see if I was him. I mean I know Mer at least had a valid excuse for not being there so, I'll give her that at least she wasn't avoiding but they could have had him at least wake up to Mark. Just saying lol but please R&R I hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**Reviews= quicker updates (:**

The cold Seattle rain hitting my face feels familiar and comforting as I leave the airport. I've forgotten how much I miss this city! Though, it's out of character for me I feel oddly excited to be back in Seattle even if it's only for a week. I wouldn't mind moving back to Seattle to be honest though, I could never see Eli liking the idea. The rain would drive him insane. I personally love the rain. Iz always used to make fun of me and tell me how it was because of my dark and twisty personality. That "Meredith Grey child of darkness has her own little depressing lair in Seattle." Oh how I miss the days when I was an intern. Though, they were the hardest days of my life I wouldn't trade them for the world. In fact, I would love to go back to them, me, Cristina, George, Alex, and Iz, the confused and devilish little interns running around the hospital, losing our panties and constantly getting yelled at by Bailey.

"Mer!" exclaims Izzie as I walk up.

"Hey Iz" I say offering her a little smile. Immediately she pulls me into a hug. It's been a while since I've seen her, Alex, or George.

"So, when we get back to the house I have a little surprise for you!" she says way too enthusiasticly. Great! Izzie being enthused can never be a good thing for me. Knowing Iz she probably put together some stupid Welcome Home party for me. Hopefully she didn't because that's the last thing I would want right now. Especially since all the people worth seeing will be at the wedding next week.

Walking back into my old house is an odd experience. All the old memories it holds from both my childhood and my intern years seems to crash into me. The house has a way of making me feel at ease like, I'm finally at home.

"Mer!" both George and Alex exclaim simultaneously.

"Hi, I've missed you guys!" I say wholeheartedly. Immediately Alex picks me up into a hug and swings me around the room. I let out a giant laugh and so does George. God I miss them!

"So, what is this surprise Izzie has set up?" I question suspiciously.

"Oh go look in the living room and you'll see" says George with an amused tone. Oh no! This can't be good when you have George getting amusement out of it. Horror immediately takes over me as I enter the living room. Streaming for the sealing, the fire place, the couches, EVERYWHERE are Halloween decorations.

Seriously? A freaking Halloween Party. What are we Izzie ten years old! Wow, she has really reached a new level of ridiculousness. Immediately George and Alex walk in laughing hysterically. Ugh! Of course they think it's freakin' hilarious!

"Well, I'm glad you get such enjoyment out of my misery." I say jokingly.

"Oh, come one Mer! It's pretty funny she even has a costume theme all five of us have to wear." Says George

"Woah, you mean Cristina has to take part in this too!" I say in utter disbelief

"Yep." Alex says trying not to laugh.

"Is she aware of this or are you guys going to drug her and drag her here when she's unconscious?" I say now not being able to contain my smile as well.

"Where is Cristina anyway?" I question.

"Where do you think she's at the hospital trolling around for cases." Says Alex clearly agitated that he wasn't there as well. That was dumb question. I know my person well enough to know that she's always at the hospital trolling for a good surgery to scrub in on.

"In fact, I'm gonna go see if I can get anything good before this party tonight." Says Alex gruffly.

"Mind of I come with you? I'd love to go hang with Cristina for a little while." I ask.

"Umm.. Sure if you want to I don't care." He says.

"You coming too George?" I ask

"Nah, I gotta stay here and help Iz but I'll see you later Mer." He says. It's just like George to put his family first before work. He is truly a family man at heart. Someday he will make the perfect husband and father. I love him like a brother and he thinks of me and Iz like his sisters. Though we aren't blood related I consider all of my friends here to be my family now especially because of all the things we've been through together.

Driving the familiar route to Seattle Grace is like heaven. Getting out to Johns Hopkins is hell. With the distance and all the traffic it takes me at least an hour to get there as opposed to here where it takes me a total of 20 minutes. So, Cristina is not really the reason I want to go to the hospital. Pathetically enough I miss Derek and want to see him. He may not be at Izzie's party and once I'm married I who knows when I'll be out to Seattle again. Married, that thought still blows my mind. The thought of me getting married is actually kind of funny to me.

"Mer!" he says with his dreamy little voice.

"Hey" I say as he pulls me into a hug. "Long time no see" I joke.

"So, I heard about Izzie's party" he says smiling.

"Oh, yeah that…" I say groaning a bit. He laughs a perfect little laugh at this.

"Come on I'm sure it won't be that bad." He says reassuringly

"Derek, you haven't seen my living room it looks like the freaking Great Pumpkin threw up in there or something!" I say panic evident in my voice. Again he laughs at this and I playfully hit him for making fun of me. Beep. . Damn. Stupid Pager! Of course he gets paged now when we're talking. He looks at me with disappointment and I return the look.

"Ugh. I gotta take this it's a 911 but, I'll see you and the house later at the party." He says. I nod excitement beaming through me. He's coming! The fact that this makes me so happy is probably messed up but, this is me were talking about and I gave trying to be normal or whatever a long time ago because let's face it I am far from an ordinary girl and I have far from an ordinary life. Walking off to see my person is making me feel better thought because she understands me. She gets that I'm not some happy ordinary girl who just wants to get married and have babies and have a family and all the whatever stuff girls are supposed to do with their lives.

Seriously! For real? This is the costume she picks for me? I look at myself with discontent in the mirror. _Alice in Wonderland._ I have to be freaking Alice for Halloween. Out of all the things she could have picked she picks this costume. To make matters worse it's slutty. So not only am I Alice in fucking Wonderland but I'm a whorey little Alice just perfect! Derek's coming and again he gets to see me in some ridiculous outfit.

"Come on Mer! I picked it out specially for you come out and wait for all the guests with us." Iz exclaims with her usual perky self. Coming out of my bedroom makes groan inevitably. Instantly both Cristina and Alex break into hysterical laughter at the sight of me. I flash them a dirty look and so does George, at least someone has my back considering the fact that my person is laughing at me! Oh, who am I kidding if it were her in this ridiculous costume I would be laughing too.

"She's wearing _that!_" Cristina exclaims still trying to catch her breath from the laughter

Derek looks at me and smiles at the sight. I give him a glare immediately informing him of my discontent. He just flashes a completely fake sympathetic glance back.

"I take it you didn't pick your costume." He jokes

"I look ridiculous right now!" I say my fists clenching slightly. Unexpectedly he pulls me up the stairs and into my bedroom and I immediately gasp in both shock and confusion.

"So, I'm going to say something and there's no avoiding or running or hiding and after I say it I'm going to leave and you're going to think about what I said. I don't want you to rush into this decision but, either way you choose I will always be your friend know that, because having you in my life is better than not having you at all." He says passionately.

Wow, someone's bossy today. The shock overfills me though and all I can do is nod.

"I love your tiny ineffectual fists. The way your hair smells like lavender and the way you're all dark and twisty inside because Meredith Grey I love you. I've told you this many times and I will always love you no matter what and I think that even though you were too afraid to before we could be amazing together and Mer you can't marry Eli because I love you. It's as simple as that. The thought of you being with him makes me feel.. I don't even know.. like I wanna go curl up and die. Seeing you with him makes me cringe and I don't think you should marry him, I think you should marry me because I know you love me too. Meredith, I will never love another like I love you. So, I am going to leave now and you are gonna think about what I just said and hopefully Mer, you'll choose me because if you did I would be the happiest man in the world." And with that he kisses me lightly on the lips and leaves.

Passion seeps through my whole body. I can still feel my lips tingling from his kiss. That kiss was magic! It felt like the most amazing thing in the world. Tears are running down my face, tears of happiness, sadness hell probably both. For the first time in a long long time happiness fills my whole body. Derek is right. I love Eli, I do but Derek will always be the one guy that makes me weak at the knees. Though Derek wants me to take time my decision is made. Derek is the one for me and I've been an idiot, life is short and I need to just get with Derek because I'm in love with him.

Hysterical laughs fill my body. I mean come on Derek Shepard just told me he wanted me to leave my fiancé with this whole long romantic Mcdreamy speech and I was in a freaking Alice in Wonderland costume! I mean come on that just ruins the moment! Crap! I mean this could only happen to Meredith Grey her big romantic scene ruined by a God Damn Alice in Wonderland costume. Going back out to the party with my hand still on my lips and a smile plastered on my face immediately catches Cristina's attention. Shit! I have a lot of explaining to do to Cris…


	6. Chapter 6

**Ok so just to warn this chapter will be dark. Don't get mad at me for what happens because I promise next chapter things will get better and it will be make sense why I had to do it. It's based off what happens in season 5 when he goes off and hides in the woods for killing that patient. The scene I have in my head for next chapter I really want to use but what happens in this chapter has to happen in order for this to work. So please bear with me and hopefully you will think it'll be worth it. If I get a good amount of reviews I will update in a few days and the next chapter is a good one (:! On a different note I'd just like to thank of all of you guys that R&R! Hopefully you guys will continue too.**

It feels as if I've been punched in the stomach, unable to breathe. Last night he's telling me that he loves me and now he's hiding off in the freakin woods. He's hurt and angry so I get it. He's avoiding and running. He's doing what I do best. Loosing that patient is hard on him, harder than I'd like to admit to myself. But, as much I feel to urge to I'm not running from this because I left in order to change and if I'd just stay the same then me leaving would have been pointless. Derek helped me when I lost my patient last month and he has always been there for me. So now, I need to be there for him because he needs me. Walking up to the trailer that feeling attacks me. That uneasy little feeling that always seems to be there no matter what. The cold rain pelts my face and instantly begins to soak me. His usually bright happy blue eyes meet mine but now there stony greyish black. He's completely soaked from head to toe and there's water dripping off him.

"Mer just go home!" he screams bitterness overtaking his sweet voice.

"Derek, Mark told me what happened with the pregnant woman and the brain aneurism." I say

"I killed her Mer." He says agony apparent in his voice.

"Someone once told me losses happen and that there's nothing you can really do to stop death. So Der, you just have to keep fighting for the other lives! You're not allowed to just quite or run away Derek I'm not going to let you!" I exclaim trying desperately to get him to come around.

"Do you know that I've lost more patients than I've saved? And as for the running Mer you have no right to fucking tell me not to run! You wrote the god damn book on running and avoiding! You ran all the way to Baltimore, _Baltimore Meredith!_ You're a lemon and there's no fixing you. No matter how badly I want to your never going to be ready for anything that resembles a commitment! Well, at least not to me because come on you can marry Eli without a problem." He spits with bitter agony. Hot tears of anger pour down my face as hurt and anger feeling start to tear at my insides.

"You're scared and drunk! I get it I've been there Derek but you do not get to speak to me like that and you do not get to hide out in the woods for the rest of your life because you've made a mistake! So, you need to grow up and stop acting like an angry little teenager! I know you pissed at me for leaving; _I'm pissed at me for leaving!_ But Derek you can't just give up you are one of the best surgeons in the world. Hell, the best surgeon I know and you can't just throw away your gift. So, you've lost more patient than you've saved, most of those patients were terminal and didn't stand a chance when they came to you. You were the only surgeon that was willing to help them. You take risks and I love that. I love you Derek Shepard and I'm never going to stop loving you." I say my tone getting lighter and lighter as I speak. He turns to be baseball and beer can in his hand.

"Meredith GO HOME!" he yells. "Just go home! Go back to fucking Baltimore to your perfect little job and your perfect fiancé and just leave me the hell the alone! Because in all honesty there is no fixing you, you _are_ a lemon and I'm just better off without you because let's face it we're never going to work, we never have and we never will! So put me out of my damn misery and just go marry Eli and stay in Baltimore." He says defeat in his eyes. Defeat rushes through my body. His words cut into me like a knife. I move closer to him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. His face is a centimeter from mine I can feel his hot breathe on my face. He tries to pull away but I move in closer and keep him where he's at.

"I love you. And I will be going back to Baltimore but only for work not Eli. I'm breaking up with him regardless of what happens to us. You may think you're scaring me but, you're not. So, I'll be in Baltimore and hopefully you'll sober up and decide to go into work to operate tomorrow because the world needs a surgeon like you in it. I'll be in Baltimore waiting for you." I say lightly.

"I'm sorry Meredith" he says on the verge on tears. "I'm not good for you at the moment I need to work this out myself." He says.

"I'm not afraid of the dark." I whisper pulling him into a small kiss and with that I walk away the cold rain making me shake.

Sitting in my warm pajamas I let myself relax. I miss sleeping in this bed with Derek more than I remember. Even if Derek is scary and damaged now too I don't care. He should know that I'm not going to back down or run away from him unless he really doesn't want me. Telling Eli will be hard. Honestly I do love Eli, I'm just not in love with Eli. If I had never met Derek I might think I was in love with Eli because I wouldn't really know what true love is. I would be perfectly happy with Eli, hell I could be perfectly happy with Eli but, I want Derek and it wouldn't be fair to Eli, me settling with him. He deserves to have someone who he's so in love with he can't even breathe when their in the room. Eli deserves someone great and someone who feels the way about him that I feel about Derek.

"So, Mcdreamy called the chief and he's coming back to work tomorrow!" says Cristina half out of breathe as she busts into my room. "What the hell did you say to him to convince him to come back I mean Owen tried, Torres tried, hell even the chief tried!' she questions.

"I told him the truth, he can't just run away from this." I say lightly choking back tears.

"Mer! Are you okay what did he say to you?" she says almost angrily now.

"He was drunk and angry and he called me lemon Cris! He told me to go back to Baltimore and marry Eli because there's no fixing me." I say with tears running down my face once again. Instantly she pulls me into a _hug_. Cristina and hugging is truly a funny idea! Hysterical laughs gradually begin to mask my tears. Both of us laughing hysterically! This is one of the few things that can ever be taken away from me, this moment with Cris, my person.

"Let's dance this out!' she yells excitement in her voice. With that she turns on my radio and blasts the music. Dancing, dancing is truly what I need at this moment. Carefree fun that I miss! I miss dancing out my problems. Soon George and Izzie come in and join us as well. George and I dancing the night away I laugh, we all laugh.

"What the hell it's three in the morning!" Alex exclaims as he walks in hearing the music his anger starts to turn to amusement. And shockingly enough he just starts dancing too! Full out robot, chicken dance, nerdy dancing! Laughing overtakes all of us! He grabs Izzie and starts to twirl her around the room. The drinks start to pour and then our own little party begins.

"To the Bachelorette party Mer won't get to have!" George exclaims before downing his drink. With that we spend our night drinking, dancing and laughing, something I haven't been able to do in a long time.

The pounding in my head never seems to stop as I walk towards the terminal for my flight. Last night was fun but now, I'm seriously paying the price. I get onto the plane and instantly I let sleep overtake me.

Walking into my apartment feels alien. I never really felt like home to me. Great just the moment I'm looking forward to breaking up with Eli! Nerves start to overtake me as I walk through the apartment. Breaking his heart is going to suck!

"Eli" I shout as I walk in.

"I'm in here Mer." He says barely audible. As I approach him the sight shocks me. There are tears running down his face as he looks at me. I sit next to him on the couch hugging him immediately.

"What's wrong?" I question. This is the first time I have ever seen him cry.

"They're dead Mer." He sobs. Panic rushes through me. Who's dead?

"Eli who?" I say as I'm shaking.

"My parents." He says softly. "Their flight to London crashed Mer." He says tearing up more.

"Eli, I-I'm so sorry." I whisper. I pull him into a hug and he hugs me back tightly.

"I love you Meredith Grey." He says " I don't want to spend my life without you." He whispers. Panic boils through me! How can I break up with him now I mean come on! I'd be the biggest bitch in the world! Oh yeah Eli, your only family in the world just died but now I'm ending our relationship because I'm in love with Derek Shepard is exactly what he needs to hear right now. Crap! Just crap. Of course this is happening now I mean seriously? Why can't things just ever be simple?

I pick up my phone immediately when I see its Cristina calling.

"So, your marrying Eli then?" she questions

"Cris, it's been almost a week and he hasn't even so much as called me. I mean you said he came to work and was successful and he hasn't even bothered to call me obviously he's given up on me. Eli needs this and I will be happy with him or whatever I can be and if not I'll fake it." I say determined

"Come on Mer all I'm saying is I don't want you to have to fake it." She says quietly. "But your my person and If your marrying Eli in two days then you'll know I'll be there." She says.

"I know I say quietly. I love you Cristineyay!" I say. With that we both hang up.

So marrying Eli is a good thing I mean obviously Derek wants me to I mean he practically begged me too so now everyone gets there happy ending or whatever. The princess is saved from the stupid castle and everything is just happy and dandy! But seriously I can be happy right?

**So please don't be mad at me I promise you all will like next chapter! Please R&R! If I get enough reviews I will post the next chapter within the next couple of days (:!**

"


	7. Chapter 7

**So thank you guys for the encouraging reviews! (: they are very much appreciated well I think everyone will enjoy this chapter (or at least I hope they will)! This chapter will pretty much change the whole story for the better that is. Please R&R! I love hearing you opinions of this chapter. Also grey's was great last night. Derek's reaction to waking up with both Mer and Cristina in his bed=priceless. **

Dread is filling my entire being. I cannot believe I am doing this but it's for Eli, _I can do this for Eli._ It's funny to me how into weddings people get. The wedding really shouldn't matter, what should matter is the person you're going to marry. Because let's face it most marriages end in divorce so instead of being so focused on their stupid wedding ceremony people should start to focus on whether or not they're going to marry the right person. _I am marrying the wrong person!_ I can't do this. Eli can do better; I am not the one he's in love with he only thinks he's in love with me. Examining myself in the mirror I see me, but at the same time this girl isn't me Meredith Grey doesn't throw big stupid weddings. This dress is beautiful, strapless with a big purple gem in the middle. It's tight up top but when it gets past my waste it gets loose. Not big and fluffy just loose. It's simple but beautiful at the same time. My hair is in gorgeous golden curls going down my back and my eyes are coded with makeup that matches the gem on my dress. As perfect as both me and this dress look, I can't marry Eli. And I've been and idiot to think I could pretend to be happy with him for the rest of my life it's not fair to him or me. Walking slowly over to the groom's room I can feel myself tensing up. He looks at me with his bright green eyes questioningly….

Numb. That is all I can feel. I let Meredith Grey go… Meredith Grey! She told me she loved me and I called her a lemon. Great just great! Derek you're an idiot! The long hours I spent on call are finally catching up with me. Quickly I page Karev, he can take care of my patient because I'm tired and running labs is not my job. He is officially on my service.

Sitting here for at least an hour and Karev is still not here. Great now my resident is being insubordinate as well. I suppose I deserve it though, I ruined everything with Meredith.

"Shepard, who are you waiting for?" Bailey questions curiously.

"Karev I was hoping he could run some labs for me." I say agitation obvious in my voice.

"No one told you?" she says shocked

"Told me what?" what could I not know about?

"Stevens, Karev, O'Malley, Yang, and the chief are in all in Baltimore for Meredith's wedding tomorrow. I got invited but, it's little Tucks Birthday and I have to be in Seattle with him." She says.

"_Her wedding?"_ I say in shock. Shock, that's all I really feel right now. Wow, I really am an idiot.

"Well don't just stand there!" she says angrily.

"Wha-" she cut me off.

"Shepard you love Meredith Grey and Meredith Grey loves you so you get your ass on a plane and you go and get Meredith. Because quite frankly I'm tired of you goddamn fools always breaking up because we all know you'll get back together again so for everyone's sake go stop her wedding and _**stay**_with her!" she bellows.

I stand there frozen she is absolutely right. She cannot marry Eli, she can marry me.

"Thank you!" I say excitedly

"Pshh. You so damn stupid!" she says while hitting me lightly.

Running, running to my car I take off for the airport…. I _will _stop this wedding!

"Meri?" he says questioningly.

"I-I can't marry you." I say lightly one the verge of the verge of tears.

"You don't love me. You love Derek Shepard." He says

"I'm _so_ sorry! I wish I could just love you, because Eli, you're wonderful and you could make me very happy but, I can't be with you." I say quietly. His eyes meet mine with a flash of sadness. The green dulling like it had the night his parents dyed just a couple of days ago.

"Eli, believe me you can do much better than me. You're not in love with me you just think you are." I say. This is completely true! I just hope he realizes it.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." He says quietly.

"Just trust me. Okay? I'm not the girl you want to marry." With that I slip off my engagement ring and I hand it back to him and I begin to leave. Walking down the aisle, _everyone_ is staring at me. Cristina is right behind me though. She has back even when it's against a wall. Everyone just glances at me questioningly. Frozen, I can't speak I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Panic fills me. Desperately I try and try but nothings coming out! Crap! Suddenly George walks up to me and Cristina and takes my hand. He flashes me an encouraging look and both Alex and Iz join us.

"The wedding is off." Cristina says lightly. Gasps fill the guests as we walk back down the aisle. Relief washes over me, marrying Eli would turn me into Elis because I'm not in love with him just like she wasn't in love with Thatcher and in all reality our marriage wouldn't have lasted.

Desperately I run. Sprinting for my life my lungs burning heart throbbing but I can't give up Meredith has to marry me. This is funny when I think about it and totally cliché. The guy gets off the plane, rents a car, gets stuck in traffic, and is now running like an idiot to the wedding hall in order to stop a wedding with 20 minutes to spare. Yes! Finally I made it. Continuing to run I can see the guests all sitting out. But, their leaving, why would they be leaving? Despair begins to creak its way up. I'm too late… she already married him all of this for nothing. The woman I love is married to another man. Defeat begins to rear its ugly head. I slow my pace and stare in defeat. I _lost _Meredith forever. I continue to walk towards the hall but, then I see them both O'Malley and Karev standing by the entrance talking to people as they leave. Adele catches me from across the street and her gaze immediately glues to me. She smiles at me as I approach.

"What's going on?" I question.

"The wedding is off." She says staring at me slightly. Shock fills me.

"Where is she?" I question desperate to know I _need_ to see she needs to know that I love her and she has to be with me.

"She's still in the hall, I think she's talking with her friends." She says quietly

As I approach the back of the hall I can see her silhouette. I smile at the sight, such a gorgeous sight. It truly takes my breathe away to look at her. Her dress is perfect. She looks like a goddess. Her eyes catch mine and I stop breathing all together.

His eyes catch mine as I sit here thinking. Those eyes make me melt at the sight. He smiles at me and I return it.

"Your all wet." I say wondering why the hell he would be wet.

"I ran 22 blocks to stop this wedding." He says laughing lightly. I join his laugh. He came to stop my wedding. He does care.

"You came to stop the wedding?" I say not meaning for it to come out like a question.

"Yes." He confirms. Suddenly he pulls me into him so close I can feel his breathe touching my cheek.

"Meredith Grey, I want to be with you forever I've told you this before and I'm telling you now I will never leave you again. I want it to be the two of us together forever. Marry me." He says so perfectly not asking but not demanding just stating it like a simple fact. The fact being that I will marry Derek Shepard. Again I'm stuck for words I try but as hard as I try nothing will come out. So I just nod and pull him into a kiss. A smile spreads his lips as I kiss him and he looks at me with his Mcdreamy look and it makes me weak at the knees.

"We have this fine gentlemen over there to marry us and it's an unheard of sixty five degree sunny day in November, I think the universe is demanding that I just marry you now" he says his smile increasing and with that he leads me down the aisle and faces me his bright blue eyes burning passionately.

**Well did this make everyone happy? I hope so! I was a little nervous about writing from Derek's POV as well because I've done it before please tell me what you thought overall! Please R&R and I promise I'll update soon.**


	8. Chapter 8

**So here is your update! Hope you enjoy this one. Please R&R! And yay MerDer are finally together at last (:!**

"Marry me." He says again lightly.

I open my mouth to speak but, nothing comes out. He smiles at me and just takes my hand into his. Wow, Meredith Grey child of darkness, _me_, I'm about to marry Mcdreamy. God, he's just way too good for me. He's so perfect with his gorgeous face, lean body, and that freakin hair! Doubt immediately begins to fill me. I mean come on I'm me. I was pretty much raised by a wolf. Wait, I take that back I _wish_ I was raised by a wolf, they probably pay more attention to their children than Elis did. Then there's Thatcher, he didn't even stick around long enough to see me go into kindergarten. I mean I'm dark and twisty and he's all happy and optimistic and Prince Charmingy.

"I-I, Derek you don't want to marry me! I mean come on you have the hair and the eyes and the face and the body. And me, I have the bad hair and the dark and twistiness and the Alzheimer's, and the daddy issues! I mean come one you know you don-" instantly he kisses me hard.

"Meredith, shut up!" he says partially joking. "I told you I want to marry you. Your dark and twisty thing is who you are. You get through things most people would just break down from. It makes you strong, it makes you a fighter. And the Alzheimer's well, I'll just have to start working on a cure. I am the best neurosurgeon in the world and if there isn't one and you do get it I'll be with you every day, reminding you who I am. Meredith Grey I love you. Don't make me force you into marrying me because I swear I will, not to mention if I don't come back married to you Bailey will kill both of us." I can't help but laugh at this, the Bailey thing. I can picture her murdering me and Derek all too clearly right now. Relief settles in me now, I know for a fact that Derek Shepard and I will be married forever.

"Ok, let's do this." I say smiling up at him. He takes his hand into mine and we make our way over. The guy from city hall just smiles at us.

"Do you, Derek Shepard take Meredith Grey to be you lawful wedded wife? For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live." He says.

"I do." Relief and joy spread through me at the same time. He said yes, holy crap! We're married.

"You may kiss the bride." With that he kisses me passionately cupping my face in his hands. I can't contain the smile plastered across my face at the moment. He laughs because he's smiling too.

Laughter shakes my whole body. Cristina, George, Alex, and Izzie left after me and Derek got married and now we don't have a car and neither of us have any money.

"The hotel Eli and I were going to stay in is a couple of blocks away." I say lightly staring into his beautiful blue eyes.

"I guess we have to walk there then." All the sudden a loud crack of thunder and seconds later hard rain starts to poor all over us.

"Brilliant, just great" he says angrily. I smile at him and let out a small laugh. He gives me a slightly agitated glance. "You find my misery funny?" he questions. I give him a crooked smile and raise my eyebrow in return.

"Yes, but that's not why I'm smiling." I say lightly, he looks at me questioningly. "I'm smiling because my husband is really sexy when he's mad." I say. He picks me up into his arms and begins carrying me down the street. He kisses me lightly and my heart flutters like it always does.

"Not to mention he's a fantastic kisser." He kisses me harder this time.

"My wife is very pretty when she's wet and an amazing kisser as well." He says.

Finally the cold air begins to catch up with me. Involuntary shivers begin to wrack my whole body. Derek, still carrying me pulls me in a little bit closer to him and starts to stroke my arm lightly.

"I'm sorry Mer, I know your cold we'll be there in minute." He whispers lightly into my ear. I nod at him and bury my face into his strong chest. Taking in his scent instantly comforts me, his scent is the most amazing smell in the world, he smells like nature. He's not one of those men who have to wear an obscene amount of cologne to smell good. It's nice but, not too overpowering. I missed his smell for the longest time.

"We're here." He whispers. He carries me up the stairs of the private back entrance. As soon as we enter the room he starts to unzip my dress. Quickly he runs into the bathroom and comes out with a white fuzzy rode that looks really freakin comfy. We pull down the dress and he puts me into it. With that he picks me up and lays me down in bed, the shivering still hasn't stopped despite the fact that we're indoors. He starts the fire in the fireplace beside the bed and slips out of his own clothes. His body is a perfect sight. I've missed it more than I realized. He slides into bed with me and just holds me.

Slowly I begin to open my eyes. I can feel his arms around me and his head snuggling into the back of mine, his nose resting against my hair. Warmth fills my body. I lay here not moving for god knows how long savoring the moment.

"Der, are you awake?" I whisper.

"Mmmm…yes." He says with his lips pressed against the back of my neck. I quiver involuntarily and turn around to face him.

"I love you." He says kissing me lightly.

"I love you too." I say turning around to face him.

"You're too adorable." He says kissing me lightly.

"Touché." I say returning his kiss.

With that I roll on top of him, kissing him passionately. He slides off my robe and moves his kissing downward, down my neck, down my collar bone, down chest, down my breasts, down my abdomen. Down my _Ohmygod!_

Making love with Derek Shepard is the single most amazing feeling I've ever felt. We fit together like puzzle pieces. The moments during and after can never compete with anyone else. Not only the feeling of pleasure, it's like the whole world stops. All my troubles and everything that's wrong with the world just fades away when I make love with Mcdreamy. As long as it took me to realize this, I finally do. Derek Andrew Shepard is the love of my life.

**Well I hope you all like it! xD please R&R and I promise I'll update soon.**


	9. Chapter 9

**So I decided to update now because I wasn't sure if I could update at all this week other than tonight. Not to mention I have a lot of big events planned for this story (:! I wanted Mer to get some quality time with her People as and have a little fun as well! Please R&R and I promise I will update as soon as I possibly can!**

Sex with Derek is something I've missed greatly. Being with Derek again is amazing however the lack of sleep is hitting me hard. The all night sex is really not treating me well when the morning comes around. It wasn't a problem for a couple of days when I didn't have to go in for work but now, it's really kind of painful to look at the clock in the morning. Crap! Its five A.M. and my meetings at seven. I let out a groan and Derek stirs slightly, tightening his arms around me. I turn around in his arms now facing him. His blue eyes meet mine and he lets out a small laugh at my displeasure.

"You know, your madly talented sexual abilities are keeping me up all night, and it's not fun in the morning now that I have to get up." I say still in dull tone. He pulls me into him and kisses me lightly on the lips, lightening my mood slightly.

"But you know it's completely worth it because I'm just that amazing" he says with his arrogant tone. He flashes me his Mcdreamy smile and my heart flutters in my chest slightly.

"Fine, your wright it's totally worth it but, I really don't want to go to the stupid staff meeting. It's supposed to be my day off." I say with a whiney tone.

"I'm sorry, but I'll drive you there. While you're there I'm going to find us a place to live temporarily so we can get out of this hotel." He says smiling at me. The fact that John's Hopkins is demanding I stay at least two months before leaving agitates me. I just want to go back to Seattle. Also the fact that Derek and I have no real home to stay in is a problem considering I shared Eli's apartment with him. Thankfully Izzie was kind enough to go get all my clothes out of the apartment and Bailey was nice enough to send Derek out some clothes because he was too dumb to pack any himself.

"Okay good idea, we need somewhere to stay for the next two months because we've been in this hotel for three days and our bill is already up to freakin two grand!" and with that I roll out of bed and head off towards the shower.

"Co-ed shower?" Derek says lightly smirking at me.

"Of course Mr. Shepard." I say innocently batting my lashes, instantly he shoots up from bed, picks me up and carries me to the shower like he did on our wedding night on the way over to the hotel.

"You have to get clean for work Mrs. Shepard." He says smiling at the name Mrs. Shepard. I giggle at this. He still loves to say Mrs. Shepard.

I riffle through the hotel dresser shivering slightly from being out of the warm shower and into the cold air. Pulling out a pair of slender grey trousers, I silk white camisole, and I blue button down jacket with brass buttons, I quickly put them on. I dry my hair, letting the natural waves stay and then put on a vintage white pearl headband. I line my eyes with eyeliner, put on a little light eye shadow, slap some mascara on my lashes, and finally add the final touch of just a little pink lip gloss to my lips. I've always had nice skin so I never needed thick face makeup, even as a teenager and for that I'm thankful otherwise I'm not sure I'd be able to do my get ready in time to go anywhere. I slip into a pair of grey blue wedge heels and Derek approaches me with a smile, he looks stunning in his dark blue jeans pared with a grey fleece jacket layered with a heavier black jacket on top.

"Mrs. Shepard is pretty." He says while pulling me in for a kiss.

"Mr. Shepard looks very handsome like always." I respond.

As I exit the office I feel my phone vibrate in pocket and I jump at the unexpected motion I pull it out and read the text,

Mer, I'm still looking for an apartment for us to stay in so I'm having Cristina pick you up and I figured since her, George, Izzie, and Karev are still in town you could hang out with them for today because I know this is boring for you. I love you!

-Derek

p.s. you owe me dirty sex when you get back to the hotel tonight ;).

I laugh lightly at this text. The fact that I get to spend the day with my people excites me, it's been a while. I feel my phone vibrating again and I pull it out of my pocket. Cristina.

"Hey" I say

"Is your stupid meeting done yet?" Izzie wants to go shopping." Cristina says annoyed.

"Yeah I'm out front now." I say

"Alright I'm coming to get you now." She says. I can hear the edge of excitement in her voice, though she'd never admit to it she misses all of us hanging out. She pulls up in a big black SUV. I wonder where she got it? She honks at me and I climb into the passenger's seat soon after.

"Oh Mer! You look so cute!" Izzie exclaims. Of course Izzie would love this outfit.

"She looks like one of those business people who work in a cubicle." Cristina says rolling her eyes.

"Thanks Cris, you know how I just love your words of wisdom." I say lightly.

"It's the truth." She says.

"Judging by the dark circles under your eyes I'm betting Shepard made your bed rock all night long." Alex says deviously.

"Alex!" George exclaims slapping him in the arm. I giggle slightly at this. Oh, how I miss Izzie's creepy positivity, Cristina's brutal honesty, Alex's perverted comments, and George hitting him every time he makes one. Soon I'll be home in Seattle though, and I'll hear them every day again.

Walking around from store to store has been fun for the most part I guess. Izzie making me try on a bunch of ridiculous outfits I'd never wear and Cristina laughing with me every time I came out in them brightens my day. Walking along a certain store catches Alex's attention. He looks at me mischievously and I give him a bug eyed look in return. _He wouldn't dare!_ Oh but he would, instantly he starts pulling towards Victoria's Secret. George gives him the same look I gave him, Izzie just follows along, and Cristina just starts laughing at me. I glare at her and she gives me the "What its funny look" and I can't help but laugh too. Entering the store I can feel my cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

"If Shepard's going to make you howl all night you might as well get some hot lingerie for him." Alex says smirking at me while holding up a pink little skimpy bra matched with mini short panties, and thigh high netted stockings. Holy crap! I can't even believe I'm in this freakin store buying lingerie; Meredith Grey does not wear lingerie! I wear my sweat pants and a ratty old tee shirt and get laid anyway. I don't even really understand the point of it I mean come on it's just going to be torn off anyway so what's the point in wearing it?

I hug everyone goodbye after going out for a couple of drinks and make my way back up to the hotel room. I slide out of my clothes feeling the cold air hit my skin. It's giving me goose bumps. But wait! After house hunting all day I'm sure Derek wants a little surprise right. I slide into the lingerie that Alex made me buy earlier. Studying myself in the mirror I must admit I look pretty freakin hot! Clank! I hear the door close as he walks in.

"Mer!" he shouts. With that I waltz out of the bathroom and regret to fill me. Seriously! What the hell am I doing I mean this is ridiculous! God I mean come one this is just so stupid!

"Damnit! God this is stupid I feel like freakin idiot! Screw Alex and his stupid lingerie!" I say furiously. Great here comes the laugh. But to my surprise Derek doesn't laugh he just stands there mouth hung open staring at me with a glazed over expression on his face. It looks like he's about to start drooling! He runs over to me and picks me up kissing me _hard._

"Meredith Shepard! You are gorgeous!" he exclaims. This brings a fluttering to my chest; Derek is the only man who has really ever used the word gorgeous to describe me. With Derek I don't feel like that skinny girl with the small boobs who was accused of being anorexic every day of my life. With Derek I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay so here is another update xD! Mer is spending Thanksgiving with Der and his family. I love Shonda Rhimes but idk I think it would be a good episode if Meredith and Derek went to spend at least one Holiday with the Shepard don't you? Anyway I have something kind of big planned for the next chapter! If I get a lot of reviews I'll update Saturday (:! Please R&R! I love feedback and thanks to all of you guys that already do I hope you enjoy.**

I've never been I a big fan of the holidays. My mother never really celebrated them considering she was never home. But now that I'm a surgeon Thanks Giving is one of my favorite. Lots of surgery! Of course Derek and his stupid boy penis had to ruin my favorite holiday! He wants me to come have dinner with his _family_ tomorrow! I mean seriously? Come on, me Meredith Grey. Mothers hate me! Ever since I was teenager mothers just didn't seem to like me hanging around their sons. But I mean come on it's his freakin family! Nancy, well let's just say she wasn't the most friendly person the last time I met her, she called me a whore! I just have a really bad feeling about this and last time I had a bad feeling I ended holding a bomb in a body cavity with the whole hospital in danger of exploding but does Derek care? _Nope!_

Sitting down at in the kitchen I eat my Mcdonald's viciously. I must say though, even though I wasn't here to help pick it out this apartment is really nice. And the view is to die for! Starvation attacks my system. You never really realize how hungry you are in surgery the adrenaline tends to numb however your feeling. Oh French fries how I love you! You know, people always rag on Mcdonald's but they've always been there for me. I don't cook. I practically lived off Mcdonald's in med school. I would have starved to death without them.

"Mer, how can you eat that crap! Your doctor you know how bad this stuff is for you." Says Derek, of course Mr. Perfect Haired Healthy food eating Mcdreamy is one of those people.

"I'll have you know, the food tastes really good. But what are you doing up it's 4AM?" I question. He leans in and kisses me lightly.

"You were on a 48 hour shift I missed you a lot Mer." He says in his sweet little Mcdreamy voice. I smile at him and he returns it. He gives me the dreamy look and I know what he wants.

He starts to try and pick me up but I decline. He shoots me a questioning glance.

"I'm still eating my food. I'm freakin starving here. Not to mention I'm tired so after I'm done I'm going to bed and I'm still mad at you." I say sticking my tongue out at him like a 10 year old girl. He lets out a large laugh at this and puts his hand under my chin pulling me up to face him.

"Mer, are you still nervous about tomorrow?" he says lightly.

"It's your family! I mean mothers hate me and Nancy was mean to me last time and then there's all the sisters and the kids and the noise and you know I've never even had a freakin Thanksgiv-"

"Mer they already love you! You saved Chloe's life! Not to mention I love you so I promise they'll be nice. They all just want to meet my wife." He says smiling at me. I kiss him, hard on the lips and he can't help but show his appreciation. "But you've _never_ had a real Thanksgiving?" he says his eyes with a hint of sadness to them.

"No" I admit a bit embarresed. "I mean Ellis never had the time for it and it's not like Thatcher was there to set it up." I say quietly.

"Did you at least have someone to eat with?" he says a tone of anger now in his voice.

"When I was little there was the nanny but, when I got older I just kind of ordered pizza and did whatever." I admit. His jaw tightens up with anger at this and his grip on my shoulders tightens ever so slightly.

"I can't believe she actually left you alone like that on the holidays!" he snarls.

"Derek, its ok it's over with now." I say lightly. His eyes meet mine and he instantly pulls me into a hug. I tighten my grip around him taking in his amazing scent. With that he picks me up and carries me to our room. Quickly I slide out of my dress pants and quickly pull on old tee shirt. Derek raps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder. Just laying here with Derek is serene. It's one of those moments you wish would never end. The whole world just goes away when I lie in bed with Derek.

The stomach rumbles with nerves as I examine myself in the mirror. The casual orange sweater and jeans I have on instantly start to look like they're not enough.

"Der, are you sure this is enough?" I say uneasily.

"We're going to my mother's house you look gorgeous." He says staring at me intently. He of course looks stunning in his black trousers and navy blue sweater that brings out his eyes. His hair is styled to perfection as always. He takes my hand into his and we leave the apartment. Ugh! I still have a bad feeling about this day.

"Meredith! It's so nice to see you again!" Kathleen says pulling me into a hug.

"Great to see you too, how's Chloe?" I question. I actually like Kathleen a lot. She's nice and pleasant to be around.

"Meredith, I'm so glad you and my son are married!" she says cheerily.

"Meredith, um… long time no see." Nancy says awkwardly considering our last encounter. She hugs me lightly, making things even more awkward for me. Where are the other sisters?

"Unfortunately Amelia, couldn't make it she had to work and Natalie, Rob and the kids are at his mother's house this year." Says Carolyn as if she read my mind.

Sitting at the dinner table making polite conversation with the Shepard's is shockingly easy to do.

"Shepard's!" a loud booming voice comes from the other room. Instantly I smile realizing exactly who this was. Mark. I shockingly miss Mark he was fun to be around in Seattle and he may just make this day much more interesting. He smiles at me when he enters the kitchen. Derek gives him a questioning glance and so does Kathleen. Nancy and Carolyn immediately get up to hug him.

"What are you doing in Maryland?" Derek questions his best friend.

"I missed you and Grey getting married! I had to come see for myself. You know spread the word back to Seattle." He says grinning.

"Mark you just wanna gossip with everyone back in Seattle don't even try and deny it." Kathleen says laughing lightly. Everyone joins in because come, this is Mark we're talking about. After a few minutes Mark scoots in next to me and the meal continues.

"This just reminded me, do you guys remember the time Derek crashed his motorcycle? Man, was that a fun Thankgiving!" Mark says laughing. Derek shoots him a death glare and I can't help but laugh.

"Why was it fun?" I say. Nancy raises an eyebrow at me and smiles.

"So, Derek was in New York and we were all coming in for Thanksgiving and the idiot decided to drive out in a snow storm on his stupid motorcycle. Needless to say, he crashed it. He cut his forehead, had a slight concussion, and-"

"NO" Derek says cutting her off immediately. Mark as well as the rest of his family just starts laughing harder.

"The pillow!" Mark says barely being able to breathe from the laughter.

"Oh yes, the pillow so Derek broke his tailbone as well and for like the next five weeks he had to carry around this little pink pillow to sit on." Says Kathleen.

"He was chief resident at the time as well, so he'd walk around the hospital with that little pillow and the interns all called him Cinderella!" Nancy says obviously amused by this. I let out a laugh at the thought of Derek walking around with a pink pillow! He glares at everyone and I grab his hand still laughing. Meeting my eyes now he finally flashes me a smile.

I can't believe you told Mark he could stay with us tonight." says Derek pouting. I laugh at his. It's as if one night without sex would kill the man. He kisses me lightly as we stop at the light. His eyes meet mine for a second and I can see the joy in them anyway.

"You had fun today." He says smiling at me.

"I did." I say confirming his statement. "We should do it again. Maybe next year. I like you family." I say lightly. His smile widens at this. He looks like the happiest man the world and it just makes me feel happier knowing how happy Derek is.

Instantly he pulls me into hi, kissing me hard, his tongue moving around my mouth with complete finesse. He starts pulling my shirt off and I do the same to him. Our pants come off and I feel his excitement. The sex pounds into and makes me feel like I'm top of the world. _Click. Oh shit!_ Derek stops kissing my neck and looks toward the door. Mark is staring at us bug eyed.

"Damn Shepard! You never you used to have sex in the kitchen, on top of the countertops! Damn!" he says almost proudly. My cheeks start to redden with embarresment and we flee to other room. Derek's eyes meet mine and we both at that moment break out into complete and other laughter. Then we finish what we started. With Mark still standing just in the other room. This definitely was a Thanks Giving to remember.


	11. Chapter 11

**So happy Grey's Day! I thought I'd update now. Anyway this chapter was one of the ones I was really excited about writing! If I get 12 reviews I'll update again sometime this weekend. Please R&R and I hope you enjoy.**

**p.s. this episode was amazing! Wouldn't you agree? April was actually hilarious! (:**

It's the adrenaline rush. That feeling you get when your heart rate increases and the hunger, thirst and exhaustion fade away. This is why I got into medicine in the first place. I zip my jacket up, feeling the cold air burn my skin. Shock and horror begin to fill me at this sight. _The destruction,_ I always thought the Ferry Boat incident was horrifying but this doesn't even compare. Buildings don't just collapse! The whole freakin building is in pieces! Feelings of warmth and safety immediately begin to take over at his touch. He wraps his strong arms around my shoulders.

"Are you cold?" he whispers in my ear. I smile at him.

"Of course but… _Derek…_ have you ever seen anything…." I ramble, losing words. His eyes pierce into mine and immediately, I know his answer. No Derek has never seen anything like this in his life.

"I gotta go help." I say really wishing I could stay with him. He nods lightly and kisses me goodbye then makes his way over to all the head traumas trying to do his part too.

"M-miss, are you a doctor?" she says, her brown eyes wide in fear. Panic overtaking her features.

"Yeah, what's wrong?" I ask.

"It's my son! You have to come…. Search and rescue they can't get him out and there's no one small enough! And he can't die…. We can't let him die! He's stuck under a building! Buildings aren't supposed to collapse!" she expresses wildly. Touché. A million thoughts begin to fill my head in this instant. It's like my brains in over-drive.

"Ok, ok calm down. Your panicked and your freaking out which is understandable but you need to calm down and tell me what's happening so I can help your son." I say. She takes a deep breath and her eyes meet mine.

"My son is stuck inside the building and he's hurt. There's debris on top of him and completely blocking him in. He needs a doctor and search and rescue can't get to him anytime soon. We need a doctor small enough to fit through the little opening." She says with tears starting to pour down her face. Ok I can do this.

"Ok, show me where your son is trapped and I'll help" I say quietly. She pulls me into a hug and leads me towards the building. Derek immediately locks his eyes with mine and begins to follow us. Oh great, he's going to be pissed at the thought of me crawling into a collapse building. The search and rescue guy extends out his hand and shows me the opening. I nod the lump in my throat increasing every second.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean the building could collapse completely and you could be stuck in here for 8+ hours." He questions.

"Yeah, this kid needs a doctor and I'm small enough to fit through the opening." I try to say confidently. He looks at me with both understanding and fear.

"You know this is really risky?" he restates firmly I nod at and he hands me a kit with supplies. I begin to make my way over to the small opening when Derek instantly runs over and defensively grabs me.

"Mer! Are you insane you are not going in that building!" he says, anger and anxiety filling his voice.

"What do you want me to do Derek let this kid die! It's not going to happen!" I say more angrily than I want to. I put my head down avoiding his eyes at all costs. Immediately, I tear out of his grip.

"MEREDITH!" he says more with more anger in his voice than I've ever heard since I've known him. I make my way through the tiny opening crawling like a baby. The sharp rocks scratching me one the way in. Ouch! A rock scratches my head and I immediately feel hot red blood dripping down the side of my face as well as my wrist. I continue to push my way through the rocky hell hole until I finally come to the small opening. Instantly my stomach begins to wrench at the sight and the sound.

"OUCH! PLEASE HELP ME!" he says crying out in agony. As quickly as possible I make my way over to him. His big brown eyes are filled with terror much like his mothers.

"It's ok, I'm a doctor I'm here to help you. My name is Meredith. Now what's your name?" I say lightly trying to soothe him.

"Jeremy… am I going to die" he says, tears now starting to form in his eyes.

"I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't" I say gathering some confidents. I begin to examine him damn, his injuries are bad. He managed to get the rocks that were on top of his legs off but there both broken, his head has big gash and needs to be stitched before he bleeds to death, is pelvic bone is swollen which means it's either broken or fractured and he's getting hypothermic as we speak. Ok, breathe Meredith BREATHE you got this start an IV, stitch up the head wound, get the legs in splints and wrap his pelvis.

"Ok Jeremy I need to put in an IV so I need you to keep your arm still." I say calmly. He nods and I pull out the IV with both morphine and fluids. "Ok, little pinch" he flinches slightly but doesn't cry out in pain. I move on to his leg and quickly splint it because the break is clean. Damn it! He's not so lucky with the other one. I have to reset it. Guilt begins to fill me; this is really going to hurt no matter how much morphine he's on.

"Ok, Jeremy I have to reset your leg so that I can get it stabilized and splinted ok?" I say shakily.

"It's really going to hurt isn't it?" he questions lightly with dread on his face. I nod lightly and his eyes begin to fill with tears.

"On 3 ok? 1-2-3."

"AHH! OUCH! OH DAMN IT!" he cries out in agony. Crap! How am I supposed to tell this kid I have to it one more time?

"It's ok Jeremy its ok" I say soothingly. "I just have to stabilize the other break and then I'm done with the legs ok?" he looks at me with panic in his eyes

"NO! Please not again." He begs "I-I c-c-can't." he says defeated. I grab his hand and lean in closer to him. He can't give up already.

"Listen Jeremy, I know this is scary and I know this really really hurts but, you can't give up! You have to fight ok? Your mother's out there waiting for you and it's only one more time I promise ok then all that's left to do is stitch up your head wound and yeah that'll hurt but it will be nothing compared to the bow the leg was ok." I say desperately hoping he agrees. He nods curtly and lets out a small choking whimper.

"Ok 1-2-3." _snap._ I can hear the bone crunch back into place and involuntary shudders run through me at the thought of his pain. He lets out another cry of agony then lets out a slight sigh.

"We're done…. That's it with the legs?" he says with hint of relief in his voice.

"Yeah we're done with the leg." I say confirming his statement. Quickly I numb his head wound and I stitch it up. I pull out blanket and I put it over his shaking body. God, they need to get this kid out soon.

"Ok search and rescue should be here any minute." I say turning to leave, turning to face the small opening which is now gradually expanding. Immediately he grabs my hand.

"Meredith please stay here with me!" he pleads desperately with fear in his eyes.

"Shhh, Jeremy I'm not going anywhere I promise." I say soothingly he gradually starts to calm down and his breathing starts to even out again. "So Jeremy, how are old are you?" I say trying to distract him from the pain by making conversation.

"I'm sixteen and a junior in high school." He says

"I never liked high school." I reply

"I do, I'm quarterback of the football team." He says "School's fun for me with all the girls and the great friends and the parties." So he's _that_ kid. The future prom king, the guy all the girls have crushes on and the kid who just seems to walk on water. Those kids always annoyed the hell out of me in high school but, he seems… different. He's more than just the asshole who steals kids' lunches and can do whatever he wants.

"I was that girl with the angry pink hair who wore a lot of black clothes and thought I was just too cool to do stupid activities." I say. He chuckles slightly at this.

"But now you're a doctor." He says smirking

"Exactly, now I'm a doctor, so is it just you and your mother then?" I question.

"Yeah my dad, he took off when I was kid. I think he's still here in Baltimore but I have not heard from him a since I was like 7." He whispers.

"Yeah my dad took off when I was kid too." I say. Wow, this usually isn't a topic I discuss but, I like this kid.

"It sucks." He says. I nod agreeing with his statement completely. Soon his breathing starts to lighten and sleep overtakes him. My childhood really did suck. Maybe Thatcher's the reason it took me so long to finally marry Derek. My messed up daddy issues and abandonment issues have always affected my relationships. Cold shivers begin to wrack my body and my head begins to throb. The pain is finally catching up with me now that the adrenaline is gone. It's funny how the pain and the cold just went away when I was working on Jeremy. Although I'd never admit it to any of the Psych residents the human mind fascinates me.

/

The fresh cold air hits my lungs like a ton of bricks. Instantly Derek runs over to me and hugs me pulls me into him. He cups my face into his hands and stares at me with anger and fear in his eyes.

"Meredith, do you have any idea how stupid that was! You could have gotten yourself killed! Why the hell would you do this to me? Do you have some kind of death wish!" he yells angrily. I open my mouth to respond but the shock robs my ability to do so. Nothing comes out but a little noise. It feels like I'm frozen, like the whole world is moving at a million miles an hour and there's nothing I can do to stop it. With that he pulls me into him tighter and kisses my hair, then my neck, and finally my lips.

"Mer… I'm sorry I didn't mean that. You just scared the hell out of me." He whispers, his voice breaking slightly at the end. I burry my face into his chest and we stay here not moving not just taking each other in.

/

And odd sense of déjà vu strikes me as Derek stands here in the shower washing all the debris and dirt off my hair and skin. It's the post bomb in the OR thing all over again. My body aches all over. Thankfully my head wound and my wrist didn't even need stitches. I'm just pretty bruised up. Gently he rubs away all the blood and dirt it spirals as it goes down the drain. A pang of guilt hits me. Why do I always feel the need to do this Derek? I mean this was necessary, Jeremy needed me to help him but, drowning in the Elliot Bay I was being _selfish. _The shampoo feels soothing on my head and his hands gently lathering it on my hair seem to make the world melt away.

The warm bed is more inviting than it's ever been in my entire life. He pulls me into him and I rest my head against his chest. Listening to the sound of his heart beat puts me at ease.

"Der…. I'm sorry I stopped swimming." I say lightly, tears starting to prick at the corners of my eyes. He kisses the top of my head instinctually he always knows when I need that.

"Meredith, it's behind us now. We're married and you lived." He says lightly caressing my arm.

"But still, I gave up and I'm sorry it was a selfish thing to do." I say ashamed.

"It's ok, I'm sorry I yelled at you but Meredith, when you were dead…." He starts to choke up slightly now "….those two hours and eight minutes were the scariest moments of my life." He says quietly. I lean in and kiss his shoulder.

"I promise Der, I'll never do it again." I say sure of myself. I will never do this to him again. The risk taking, I could always do it when I was young because I never had anyone to worry about but myself. I never had a lover or husband, hell even a boyfriend to leave behind. My whole life it's just been me on my own taking risks not really caring about the consequences of my actions. But now, I have Derek, now I have someone whose world would be torn apart if I wasn't in it. Sure Cristina, Izzie, Alex, and George would be sad but, they would get over it. Derek however never would and if I ever lost Derek I honestly wouldn't see any reason to keep living.

THTTattttt


	12. Chapter 12

"Kiddo, I can't believe you're leaving me." Says Archie with a look of defeat. A pang of guilt instantly hits me. I am his resident after all. He inspired me to do this in the first place.

"I just need to go back to Seattle." I say quietly avoiding eye contact with him. "Derek is the attending physician there and I have my all my family and friends." I say.

"I get it Mer, I'm just going to miss you, you're by far one the most talented residents I've ever seen. Talent like yours is rare." He says now smiling at me. Hot tears prick at the corners of my eyes and he pulls me into a hug. No one has ever told me anything like this before. He is truly the first person to make me feel like I was exceedingly talented. And for that I will be forever grateful.

"Damn it I'm going to miss you so much!" I say now crying lightly.

"I guess this is our last surgery together then. Good thing it's an exciting one." he says, his brown eye winking at me slightly. I flash him a smile.

"I still can't believe you agreed to do this surgery you know." I mean come on no one try's to take out a tumor wrapping around 6 of a little girl's vital organs. But knowing Archie he will most definitely pull it off. I swear the man can work miracles.

"Go big go home" he says "Besides you decided to use the Shepard Method on you patient if I remember correctly." He says. Damn it he always knows how to respond.

"By the way, you better read up on how to remove a tumor from a heart." He says smiling at me. Seriously? The heart! Shock fills through me upon hearing this. _He's giving me the heart? _

"Your giving me the heart? The hardest part in the whole entire surgery?" I say still in shock. He smiles at me and nods.

"Think of it as a going away present." He says confidently as he walks away. Excitement fills through me at this moment. I get to remove the tumor from the heart! I mean wow. I never though in a million years I'd be doing anything so advanced as a fifth year resident. Hell, most attendings can't even remove a tumor that size from a heart. I make my way to the library to read up on the surgery. I look up from my book and I see him making is way over to me. He smiles brightly at me and his blue eyes seem to light up a little. I return the smile and stand up. He kisses me softly on the lips and my heart skips a beat.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I say lightly.

"I wanted to see the biggest surgery m He kisses me softly on the lips and my heart skips a beat.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I say lightly.

"I wanted to see the biggest surgery my wife has ever scrubbed in on" he says enthusiastically. I smile widely at this and he notices the text book. He looks slightly wide eyed at it then at me.

"He's letting me work on the heart!" I say barely able to contain my excitement.

"Wow, that's big." He says in shock.

"You don't think I can do it?" I question slightly agitated.

"No, Mer it's not that you're a fantastic surgeon! I'm just not used to the whole fifth year resident thing yet. The last time I actually saw you operate besides on your Shepard Method Patient you were a second year." He says smiling at me. I return the smile now because I know he knows I can do it. His overprotective husband instinct just likes to kick sometimes.

"Are you going to watch?" I question innocently.

"Of course I'll be right up in the gallery." He says leaning in closer now "You look very sexy when you're in surgery doctor Shepard. He whispers in my ear. I giggle lightly at this and he kisses me again. Beep. Beep. Beep. Crap, of course my pager goes off. Oh, it's surgery time. I pull him in for one last good luck kiss and start to make my way out.

"Go kick that tumor's ass _Mer_" he yells encouragingly. I turn around as walk and laugh at him. He laughs as well. I make my way into the scrub room and the nerves finally start to hit me. _Come on you can do this! Archie would never let you if you couldn't._

/

Excitement and adrenaline both flow through me now, I actually did it! Archie congratulates me now and hugs my tightly. Derek approaches soon after and kisses me hard. I smile as we kiss. This day is perfect.

"That was amazing." He says lightly caressing my cheek.

"I know." I reply cockily. He smile widens and his dimples extend now. His face is perfect. He pulls me into a supply closet and begins to tickle me viciously now. I scream and start to hit him now as hard as I can.

"Please stop!" I scream loudly. Hysterical laughs cascade though my whole body as he continues to tickle me. I've always been very ticklish for some reason. Especially on my stomach and Derek knows that. Damn him! I continue to thrash around and he finally stops and I turn to look up at him. His bright eyes are looking at me enthusiasm.

"Let's go out to dinner to celebrate your victory." He says holding me close to him now. I nod and we make our way for the door. I turn around and take one last look at the hospital. I would miss place. But going back to Seattle with Derek is completely worth the sacrifice.

/

I stare at myself in the mirror for a moment. The black long-sleeved dress goes just above my knees and is very tight everywhere. It's high cut in the front but in the back it cascades all the way down to the bottom of my back. My hair is up in a messy yet sexy pony tail. And teal blue high heel shoes just pull of the whole look. Derek come up behind me and wraps his arms around my waste. He smells my hair and I involuntarily shudder.

"Mrs. Shepard, you look beautiful tonight." He whispers in my ear. I smile up at him.

"I must say Mr. Shepard you look dashing yourself." He's wearing his favorite blue shirt that brings out his eyes and a pair of grey dress pants. He has a sleek grey pin striped jacket on top and his long black trench coat on top of that. He truly looks amazing, as usual. He grabs my blue coat and helps me put it on and with that we're out the door on our way to my favorite Italian restaurant in town.

/

I gasp for air as I roll off him. He smiles at me, doing the same. The sex was unbelievable. The stairs, then the kitchen counter top, then the hammock and then the bedroom. I laugh lightly now remembering the fact that we actually had sex on a hammock.

"What's so funny?" he questions lightly.

"We did it out on our hammock, I'm pretty sure that's illegal." I say now laughing even harder. He looks over at me then bursts out into laughter as well.

"It probably is but we didn't get caught" he says arrogantly.

"That's surprising considering how loud we were." I say lightly facing him now.

"_We?_ I was not loud. You on the other hand, you were very loud." He says teasing me now. It hit him lightly on the shoulder.

"I am not the only loud one!" I say defensively. He laughs out loud then pulls me in for a kiss.

"I know." He simply replies.

"I love you" I say quietly.

"I love you too." He responds. With that I turn on my side and he wraps his arms around me. He rests his head on top of mine and the exhaustion begins to fill through me now. My muscles all start to relax and my mind starts to go blank. Tomorrow we'll be back in Seattle where we both belong.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok so their back in Seattle! This chapter just kind of fun and relaxed but, don't worry the real drama will come soon! Also has anyone noticed that MerDer are still lacking screen time together? Whenever they show them their apart or together for like 2 seconds eh anyway please R&R and I'll update quickly hope you enjoy.**

Why did I agree to do this again? Stupid Derek and his stupid camping! A feeling of dread fills me. I just have a feeling that this is not going to be a good trip.

"Omg! Mer, I've never been camping before this is going to be so amazing!" Izzie squeals with her usual enthusiasm.

"Oh yeah, this is just going to be the most epic thing ever." I say pretending to be excited "Not!" she glares at me.

"Come on lighten up it's like a family camping trip!" she says now smiling hugely at me. I can't help but smile back now, leave it to Iz to always be the most enthusiastic person ever

/

"Ok, so it's me, you, Iz, George, Cristina, Owen, Alex, Mark, and Neila right?" I say now realizing just how large our little group has gotten.

"Umm.." Oh crap when my husband says umm, you _know_ it's something bad, Crap! I give the stare down and he stutters a bit.

"Well, you see, Lexie is kind of coming too." He says nervously flashing me one of his Mcdreamy smiles. Don't think your smile will get you out of this one. Panic rushes through. Who the hell invited my sister!

"Why? Who invited my sister?" I say my voice raising an octave.

"Oh, come on Mer she's not bad at all, she's your sister you need to get to know her! I like her, Izzie likes her, Alex likes her, hell, even Cristina likes her." He says now smiling wider.

"Hmphh fine. I guess I should get to know her." I say in defeat.

"Good because she's dating George." WHAT?

"Since when?" I question.

"No one wanted to say anything because we knew you'd freak out but, they've been dating for like 8 months Mer." He says a bit more anxiously. Awww! A smile spreads across my face now and Derek matches it.

"Why didn't you guys just tell me? I'm so happy George has found someone who doesn't have Syph, is dark and twisty, married, or….. Callie." I say more excited for George. Derek lets out a laugh at this; he pulls me in and kisses me, like we'd be doing it for the rest of our lives.

"Just one question?" I say raising my left eyebrow at him.

"What would that be?" he says raising both eyebrows at me.

"You brought the tequila right?" I say hopefully.

"I know my wife." He says whiling pulling me in for more kisses. His tongue lightly touches mine and we kiss passionately now.

"Come one I swear if I have to see this crap all weekend with the two of you I swear I will hurt you!" growls Alex near Izzie, George, Lexie,. I laugh loudly at this and he cracks a small smile.

"I agree, let's keep the PDA down." Cristina says walking up with Owen and Neila. Neila laughs at this too. I'm so glad she's visiting for the next few days.

"Yeah you guys I've already walked in the two of you doing the dirty on the kitchen countertops at your old apartment we don't need to walk in on you in the tent to." Says Mark.

"Mark!" Derek yells, his face reddening by the minute. Everyone laughs even harder at this.

/

"Ok, here's our spot." Derek proclaims proudly. Quickly we all set up our tents then gather around for some drinks. This is my kind of camping.

"So, I had a bunch of these popular little high schools students come into the ER today it reminded me how much I loved High School I had the best group of friends, I was the homecoming queen and the valedictorian." She says smiling brightly. Wow, she really is a good girl.

"Oh man I hated High School I was nerd, a mathlete, treasurer and VP of the dragons and dungeons club and I was AV club, High School sucked!" says George.

"HAH! Called that one O'Malley!" Alex says laughing now. Iz glares at him and hits him hard in the shoulder he instantly stops the laughter.

"I screwed a bunch of chicks, got decent grades, and wrestled." Says Alex cockily. Somehow that really doesn't surprise me.

"I had the whole angry pink hair thing going on, I wore a lot of black clothing, and had small group of close friends." I say remembering the high school times of Death and Die.

"Hah, High School was stupid, I too wore a lot of black, focused on studying, didn't really talk to many people and I was he valedictorian." Cristina says laughing at the memory.

"I played football, got good grades, had some decent friends." Says Hunt, he was probably the most normal out of all of us.

"I was Captain of the Volleyball Team, Study Body President, and Prom Queen. High school was pretty good for me." Neila says nonchalantly.

"I was the QB of the football team, all the ladies loved me, I was prom king." Says Mark smiling at Neila. They are most definitely going to hook up at some point, if it were any of my other friends it would bother me a bit but Neila is the same way Mark is. "Then there was Derek!" Mark exclaims loudly. Derek instantly scowls at him and I laugh lightly grabbing his hand now.

"This kid, so he didn't know what hair care products were yet so, he had a big afro. He was about 110lbs soaking wet! And he played saxophone in the marching band!" Mark says laughing along with everyone else.

"Wow, I always pictured you as that perfect Prom King kid in High School with the Perfect Hair!" Lexie says. Derek nods slightly at this obviously embarrassed though, he'd never admit it. I lean into him now and whisper lightly in his ear.

"I bet you were cute in High School besides Der, I had pink hair." I whisper trying to lighten the mood he smiles at me now and kisses me lightly.

/

The cool breeze hits my face, blowing back my hair as well. His hand is intertwined with mine and the sight is beautiful. The mountains and the trees are so peaceful. Up here it's like nothing can ever harm you or get to you. Your troubles seem so obsolete. I never understood why Derek liked camping so much but now, I'm starting to realize why.

"I never understood the camping thing but now, I get it I mean it's so peaceful up here." I say still mesmerized by the view

"That's not the only reason I like to camp." He says lightly staring at me now.

"Oh, well did you go as a kid?" I question lightly now.

"Yeah actually, you see, my dad owned this hardware store and this one night me and my sister Amelia were there with him late, he gave her a penny like he always did and she went in between the floor boards, she said she was going to buy a town. Anyway, two men came into the store and I immediately knew something wasn't right. They told my dad to hand over all the money in the cash register. My dad gave it to them and then they told him they wanted his watch…. My mom saved up to get him that watch for Christmas and he wouldn't give it up. The man pulled out the gun and Amy tried to run over to my dad, I just held her as tight as could with my hand over her mouth. I prayed to God she wouldn't scream and they wouldn't even know we were back there. Then they shot him…. In the chest, he was dead before they were even out of the store." He says lightly tearing up now. Hot tears prick at the corners of my eyes now.

"Oh Derek" I say lightly squeezing his hand now. "I knew your father died when you were pretty young but, I never really knew how I'm so sorry." I say lightly with tears coming down my cheeks now.

"My dad used to take me camping every other weekend, I think that's why I like it so much it's, comforting for me." He says lightly.

"Since you told me you're secret I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. Not even Cristina." I say looking at him now. He looks at me with partial interest and partial concern. "When I was eight, I came home from school one day and my mother was sitting in the corner of the house crying, I didn't really know why, but I could tell she was really upset. She looked at me and told me to be extraordinary she said that I was force and I was meant to do great things, she made me promise her I'd do great things. I didn't understand why though, then she grabbed my hands and told me that I had to listen to her, she said that she was going to kill herself and that I was not to call 911. I finally agreed and then she did it, right in front of me she slit her wrists with a scalpel I waited until she passed out then I called 911." I say now choking back the tears that are inevitably running down my face. Derek's jaw tightens at this and his eyes pierce into mine.

"I cannot believe she would do that to you! I mean Mer.. The stuff that woman put you through." He says giving me a tortured glance.

"Derek, it's ok, she lived I mean your dad actually died." I say caressing his cheek lightly.

"Still Mer, there's a difference my dad didn't kill himself in front of me and tell me not to help him he didn't have a choice and the thought that Ellis actually did that to you makes me feel sick to my stomach." He spits out angrily.

"It's over now, I have you and I'm married and successful and happy that's all that matters." I say confidently.

"I guess we're just the perfect dark and twisty little match." He says smiling at me now.

"We most definitely are." I agree and with that we continue to walk along the trail, just me and Derek taking in the peaceful surroundings.


	14. Chapter 14

**Ok so here's an update I've been thinking a lot about how I could make this story a little more exciting and next chapter is exactly how I'm going to do it! So please R&R if I get a lot of reviews then I'll update on Wednesday, if not it could be a while! Also check out my newest story "It all Comes Crashing down" and tell me what you think I love hearing your opinions. Hope you enjoy this update!**

Derek and I have been back in Seattle for five months now. I truly forgot how much I missed everyone, including Bailey! Derek and I are building our dream house now and cannot wait till we get to move in. Oh yeah, and I'm starting to kind of sort of-ish get close to Lexie, she's not as terrible as I imagined her to be.

The cool air from the ceiling fan hits my face lightly, it feels amazing. His arms are wrapped tightly around me, I nuzzle a bit closer into his arm. His breathing lightens slightly and he comes down and kisses the side of my neck, I giggle lightly and he kisses me more. I finally turn to face him and he kisses me on the lips.

"What time is it?" he questions groggily.

"5:45." I say groaning slightly now, damn that means I have to get up and get ready for work. His eyes meet mine for a minute and he lets out a light laugh. I fake scowl at him now and he just laughs harder and kisses me again.

"I have patients to check up on so, I'll go with you." He says lightly caressing my cheek. I smile now, I love driving in with Derek.

"If we hurry up we can stop and watch the ferry boats for a little bit." I say, immediately a smile paints his face.

"I have a thing for Ferry Boats!" he says still smiling.

"Me too." I say smirking at him.

With that I hurry up and put on a tight black tee-shirt and a slightly more flowing black skirt with a black elastic waistband and a black background with little red, yellow, and orange flowers on it. I pull it up just to my belly button and tuck the shirt in. I put on my light brown makeup, slip my hair into a loose pony tail with a red headband and head down to the kitchen.

"OMG!Mer that skirt is so cute!" squeals Izzie, I roll my eyes and she gives me her usual 'stop being such a crank' look. I laugh now at this and she smiles.

"Hey you ready to go?" questions Der eyeing me passionately. His eyes have taken a whole new level of blue today, by far one of the bluest I've ever seen.

/

The smell of salt and the ocean breeze blows peacefully, his hand his holding onto mine and the whole world finally seems at peace.

"I love Seattle, remind me to never leave again." I say.

"Believe me, I wouldn't let you if you tried." He says meeting my eyes now, with that he takes my chin into the end of his fingertips, I move in and we kiss passionately, our tongues flirting playfully. I can feel myself gasping for air and I can feel him doing the same but we don't care, we just keep kissing until neither of us can breathe. We finally pull apart and I inhale deeply, he does the same.

"Do you want your donut? I have them right here." I say holding the bag in front of his face teasingly. He gives a jokingly annoyed look and I laugh "Oh come on eat the donut! It's not gonna kill you Der." I say playfully.

"You really are mean and tempting you know that? Do you even realize just how bad donuts are for you?" he says more seriously now.

"Come on I got you coffee cake flavor and me strawberry!" I say more temptingly.

"Fine." He says in defeat finally taking the donut. Mmm this may just be the best donut I've ever had! Good thing I got two for me, I pull out my second donut and Derek eyes me now. We both just stare for a second and he finally lets out a huge boom of laughter.

"Your seriously going to eat two dounuts?" he says in mock horror. I laugh too now

"What? I like me some donuts!" I express playfully.

/

"What have we got?" I say anxiously I love the adrenaline rush you get from a trauma.

"39 year old female, inmate a federal prison, got in here for getting in a fight with her cellmate. Potential head trauma as well as severe damage to the upper arm and chest." Says the paramedic whom I don't even know the name of. Wow, an inmate, I wonder what they did?

They wheel her out and she immediately looks at me, the crazed look in her eyes tells me she probably did something pretty bad.

"Oh well aren't you just pretty as a button?" she says laughing lightly "Are you sure you're a doctor?" she questions. I nod politely and immediately page Derek.

"Ok, order a head CT just to check and see if there's any head severe brain damage." He says his not meeting mine. This case is getting to him already.

/

"Mer! Why the hell would you give more morphine than she already needs?" he says angrily now.

"Derek she was in pain, she head her ribs still hurt!" I say defensively, I'm not about to deny a patient pain Meds. "If she were any other patient you wouldn't even care." I say raising an eyebrow at him.

"Meredith she's not any other patient she killed a man who was just getting some money out of his ATM and didn't even take the money!" he shouts angrily at me.

"That's what you heard how do you even know it's true?" I question. Gosh he can be so closed minded sometimes I swear!

"Believe me I asked the guard its true and she did it for absolutely now reason Mer, NO REASON!" he says his rage building now.

"Derek, no one just kills someone for no reason, there has to be a reason. Plus sometimes good people do bad things." I say lightly trying to reason with him now.

"How could you even say that Mer?" he says bitterly.

"That's all I'm saying Derek you don't have to agree with my opinion I'm just stating it!" I say getting more angry now.

"You know what , you're off this case all she has is a small brain bleed, a broken arm and some cracked ribs, I no longer need you on my service." He says coldly.

"You're an ass!" I shriek more angrily now, storming out of his office.

/

I change quickly and begin to trudge back out to the car. I've literally been doing sutures all day! Trust me if George or Izzie were off at the same time as me I would most definitely be going home with them. Of course we get in a fight the day I decide to drive into work with him. I approach the car and he's already sitting in the driver's seat. I climb in and avoid eye contact. I stay silent. At least I managed to rant to Cris earlier about it. I gaze out the window to the city at night the lights are light up beautifully. The cool June night breeze blows towards me in the open window. CRAP! All I feel is flight, I'm still strapped to my seat but all I feel is the car definitely now longer on the pavement. The world looks like its spinning upside down as the car flips, I try to scream but nothing comes out. The shock flows through me. Ow, I raise my hand up to my forehead and feel liquid, Blood. At least I can still move. Oh shit! Derek!


	15. Chapter 15

**Ok so here is your update I know it's a day late and IM SOOO SORRY! This story prly sound like total BS but like legit I was typing this up and I finished then when I went to post this my internet stopped working and a repair man had to come fix today so I apologize anyway hope you enjoy this update. Thank you to all of those who reviewed. Please R&R this chapter I promise there is more to come as long as you all keep R&Ring (:! Just let me know what you think of this chapter please.**

"Derek!" I scream franticly hoping he hears me. He _has_ to respond! The throbbing in my head continues but I don't care, I manage to wiggle out of my seatbelt, which was stuck and move over toward him.

"Derek?" I say quieter now, begging for a response. I finally see him, his face is not damaged at all, there's not blood on his head, he's just lying here, eyes wide and breathe shallow. I lightly tap his face now, he blinks rapidly and finally seems to register that I'm in front of him.

"Mer, I'm ok." He says weakly, obviously struggling to breathe. "Your bleeding." He says anxiously trying to sit up now he instantly winces at the movement.

"Derek, don't move! I'm fine I promise, I'm just going to look over you and make sure you're ok, I think you probably broke a few ribs." I say as calmly as I possibly can. Gently I unbutton his shirt, damn it! He obviously damaged his whole rib cage, let alone just a couple ribs, his abdomen is rigged, which is really not a good sign. Panic fills through me and the tears involuntarily start to pour out of my eyes now. NO! His eyes close and he starts to drift off now franticly I hit him lightly on the face, he _needs_ to stay awake!

"Derek don't go to sleep! YOU NEED TO STAY AWAKE!" I say finally raising my voice. His eyes shoot open and he sputters a bit, his breathes are choppy and uneven and getting shorter by the minute, the tears continue to fall now.

"Mer, get… out of the… car." He says groggily between shallow breathes. I grab his hand now, Derek it's ok I can hear the sirens there coming for us soon ok, you just need to stay with me until they get here!" I say more panicked than I intended. His breathing continues to get more and more labored and the panic continues to strike. His usually bright complexion is getting paler by the minute. He starts to close his eyes again.

"Derek! Do _not __**die!**_" I say franticly hitting him again "You have to stay awake! Because if you die I won't want to _live_ Derek! We're together now and you promised me until we're 110!" I say yelling now desperately he squeezes my hand with whatever strength he can muster, I squeeze his as tight as I humanly can.

/

Getting off the ambulance and into the hospital, the situation finally begins to hit me. Derek could _die!_ Suddenly breathing becomes harder as I stand outside the exam room window. Bailey closed the blinds so I can't even see what the hell is going on in there! Cristina comes up to me now and grabs my hand. No. .! Violently I start to shake with sobs she hugs me now.

"Mer, his internal injuries are massive, as well as the damage to the rib cage. He's intubated and going into surgery now." she says wearily. The breathes now cut into me like daggers and the panic increases throughout my whole body. I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming! Come on Meredith WAKE UP PLEASE!

"B-b-but Cris! He can't die! He-he just can't!" I say between sobs. "NOOO!" I scream out loudly. Umph, something pulls me now, my head hits something rock solid, the scent, _Mark._ He pulls me into his chest and strokes my hair lightly

"Shhh, Meredith." He just says repeatedly hugging me. He pulls me away from him now and looks over me his hand goes up to the side of my forward and concern covers his face "Mer, your bleeding." He says quietly. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out so I close it, not even knowing what I was going to say in the first place. With that he pulls me into an empty exam room and begins to clean off my head wound. The pain finally catches up with me now as the adrenaline wears off. Silently he starts to stitch me up. The needle pierces the flesh to numb it, normally I'd flinch but my actions aren't even working, it's like the whole world is moving around me at a million miles a minute and I'm just stuck here frozen. Normally I'd feel the urge to just run away but, I can't leave Derek, I promised never again and forever.

"Ok, I'm done Mer." He says lightly cutting the string. I nod lightly, delayed. "Your wrist looks broken too." He says, my eyes slowly go down to my wrist yeah it's most definitely broken.

Callie comes in now, eyeing me with pity in her eyes.

"Ok, Meredith the break is clean so I'm just going to put it in a cast ok? Derek needs to fight. She looks grabs my hand lightly I finally nod at her indicating that I understand. She casts my wrist tactfully and leaves the room. Mark's eyes meet mine now. I can see the worry in his eyes.

"Derek's a fighter I've known him since he was five. He can do this Meredith." He says not only trying to reassure me but also reassure himself. The tears finally start to prick at his eyes and for the first time in my entire life, I see Mark Sloan cry. I hug him now and we stay there for a minute.

"He loves you, you know. I've never seen him so in love with another woman in my life, that includes Addison." He says his strong gaze meeting mine. I nod at him, still not able to speak. The dull ache all over my body finally seems to make itself present. "He is going to fight like hell to stay with you." He say more confidently now than before.

/

_I've never been much of a religious person, my mother didn't really believe in anything so, I never really was introduced to anything as a child. As much as I'd like to believe that there's a higher power I unfortunately am skeptical. If God or whoever really exists then why doesn't he prove himself to me. As a child I used to pray every night that Thatcher would come home but, every morning I'd wake up in disappointment when he wasn't there pouring my cereal in the morning. I know from personal experience that yes, there is something after death but before that I never thought there was a higher power controlling it all, shit happens and then you die. Let's face it most of the shit that's occurred in my life has been pretty crappy. But God or whoever the hell is supposed to be up there, if you're really up there I don't care that you didn't bring Thatcher back to me, but Derek is the one good thing that has ever happened in my life so, I'm begging you PLEASE make Derek be ok! I swear I'll be good or whatever just please if you're up there do this one thing for me now and I will never ask you for a favor ever again. Give me Alzheimer's, I really don't care just let Derek live for me. _

_/_

The praying seems stupid but, what could it actually hurt? For the first time in my life for the past 8 hours 22 minutes and 14 seconds Derek has been in surgery I prayed because I honestly don't know what hell I could possibly do, sitting here in the scrub room shower, not wanting to move at all. In here I'm escaped from all the looks of pity out there, in here I'm safe and no one will find me. The door bursts open and his kind brown eyes meet mine, Alex.

"Mer, get dressed." He says lightly tossing me a pair of old jeans and one of Derek's tee-shirts as well as some underwear he obviously ran out and bought. I quickly dress he grabs my hand and leads me out there.

"Hey, he's been in surgery for a while, that's a good thing, it means he still alive and they have time to be careful. I finally make eye contact with him. He's one of the few people who truly and completely understands me. Alex and I are more alike than anyone would know, he acts like an ass when things get tough and I just quite talking and run away. Unlike everyone else he doesn't pester me to talk or look at me with pity he just sits with me and I know he's here.

/

The doors finally open and the chief, Bailey, Teddy, Cristina, Owen, and George finally come out. I can't read what there about to tell me, not even Cristina. The chief finally opens his mouth to talk but to my surprise, George stops him he stares at him slightly and the chief just nods, still staring down at me. George's eyes kind brown eyes meet mine again and slight panic fills through me. My heart beats at a million beats per second now. I open my mouth and finally manage to get words out.

"George how bad is it?" I question shakily, not sure if I want to know the answer.

"Ok, there was damage to rib cage which led to mass-bleeding in the lungs and damage to the heart as well, but Teddy was ultimately repaired the damage. The Liver was bleeding but we managed to stop that, we couldn't save the spleen and one of kidneys though. His pancreas was torn damaged but we fixed that as well, also the stomach was torn but, that was fixed as well." He says shakily obviously seeing the look on my face.

"O'Malley's the one who repaired the tare in the stomach, he saved his life." Owen says eyeing George. George instantly blushes slightly and I just stand up and hug him, tightly. Who would have thought that '007 would be one who saves the love of my life? I walk away now, _he's alive._ Suddenly the struggle to breathe becomes slightly less pressing, for now he' s alive.

/

I quietly inch my way into his room, truly afraid how just how bad he would look. A burning instantly starts to hit the back of my throat and it feels as if someone kicked me in the stomach. He's lying in a bed pail white, his raven black hair contrasting greatly against his face. His skin is a ghoulish greyish tone and he's still intubated because of his lungs and damage to his rib cage. His eyelids currently hiding his eyes. I pull up a chair and I sit here holding his hand and stroking his hair, thankful more than anything that he's alive.


	16. Chapter 16

**Ok so here is another update sorry it took me a while I've been debating whether I should still have Derek in the hospital or have a time jump with him recovering at home. This chapter is going to have a small bit of his recovery but the next chapter will skip ahead a little just so we don't have the next 10 chapters with him in a hospital bed doing nothing! Anyway I'm sorry to those who don't like where the story has headed but, I did this for a reason so just bear with me. Ok, I'll stop rambling now! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this please R&R (:!**

_The impact jolts me out of my seat slightly. The car tumbles and my heart seems to stop dead in my chest. I breathe inhale deeply, did this just happen? Derek! Instantly I turn to Derek, his eyes are vacant._

"_Derek" I say lightly shaking his arm now slightly. His eyes meet mine for a minute there glassy, pained._

"_Mer" he says barely whispering. _

"_I'm here, its ok." I say lightly._

"_I'm sorry." He says staring up into my eyes._

"_For What?" I say dumbfounded._

"_For everything, Addi, Rose, hurting you, for earlier today, and I'm sorry now" he says groggily, trying to stay awake._

"_Derek its ok you're gonna get out of here and then recover and then it'll all be forgotten." I say in tears, now stroking his hair. He grabs my hand, I can see the terror in his eyes. _

"_I'm going to die." He says lightly, shakily even. Instantly the tears start to rise. My head starts to shake violently, left to right. Left to right. Left to right. He can't die on me!_

"_NO!" I say angrily now," You don't get to die on me! You're going to live and we're going to move onto your land with our house, and the then we're going to have kids with your hair, and we'll end up having a million little chatty children in the wilderness and we'll be happy, they'll grow up and then we'll retire and then we'll take care of each other when we're old and senile and smelly. We'll die in each other's arms when we're 110! 110 Derek you owe me about 74 more years with you!" I say panicky, he can't die on me now! I finally got him back! He looks up at me with the tears still in his eyes. We wait, every moment is like agony. I continue to hold onto his hand for dear life, praying desperately that he can just stay awake until someone comes, his breathing becomes more labored and his abdomen becomes more rigid by the second. Reality hits me like a ton of bricks now as he continues to gaze at me. He was __**dying. **__The breaths cut into me like daggers._

"_Mer, I want you to move on when I'm gone. Please I don't want you to be lonely." He struggles to say, the desperation apparent in his voice. I grab his hand tighter now. "I love you." He says sweetly. The sobs attack me now._

"_Derek I love you too." I say between them I lean down and his him now, hard. He stares up at me, continuing to struggle. I look down at him. A shallow breathe gets caught and like that, he stops. Confusion, fear, doubt, anger all hit me at once now. The light seems to leave his eyes now, the small little spark that was always there leaves, but the agony washes away. For a moment his face shows complete and udder relief from the excruciating pain he was in. I lay down over him now is, begging for just one more moment with him, but he's not waking up, he's gone. I sob now even harder and they continue to attack and attack, never ending. –_

Instantly I shoot up from bed, the breaths come shallow and quick the cold sweat sends a shiver down my spine. I breathe deeply as I possibly can, trying to recollect my breaths, _Derek is alive. Derek is alive, Derek is alive!_ I hammer this into my brain over and over again. I gaze over at the clock 9:30, wow that's by far the longest I've slept since the accident. I look at my phone, two missed calls from Izzie! Quickly I hit the call back button, anxiety overtakes me.

"Iz, is he awake?" I say hopefully, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

"Yeah he woke up last night, the nurse is probably going to extubate him tomorrow." She says as cheerily as possible. Last night?

"Last night? Iz you told me you'd call me as soon as he woke up if I agreed to come home and sleep." I say slightly pissed now that she didn't call me.

"Mer, he woke up and I was sitting next to him I told him I was going to call you but.. He didn't want me to, he knew it was the middle of the night Meredith! Do you really think Mcdreamy would let me wake you up?" she says apologetically. Of course he didn't let Izzie call me! That's just like him but if the situation were reversed he'd be absolutely choleric that someone didn't call him when I woke up! Instantly rip the cover off me and run towards the bathroom. The stinging sensation in my wrist comes back now I cringe slightly from the pain, hopefully this wills stop soon. Yikes! The image staring back at me the mirror makes me gasp wow, I really look like crap! My hair is messy and just…off. Not its golden blonde but an almost greyish death-like color. The huge bags under my eyes make me jump back slightly too. The usually skin tight white tank I'm wearing clings loosely at my hips and you can count almost all of my ribs through the shirt. How much have I eaten in the past five days? I'm usually skinny but… I look like I've lost about ten pounds. I need a shower.

/

I examine myself one more time in the mirror, my hair is back now so it's harder to tell how bad deathly it looks, the makeup on my face is hopefully hiding the bags under my eyes. Unfortunately the dark blue tee shirt I'm wearing is now good at hiding all the ribs that are now visible. The fact that I can't slide into a baggy hoody because of the hot weather agitates me slightly. Derek's most likely going to be lying there worrying about if I'm eating now, brilliant.

/

"Jesus Christ Meredith! Are you eating?" Cristina says, concern written across her face. Alex turns his attention to me and gasps lightly as he sees me. "I think I can count your ribs through that tee shirt! And OMG look at your legs!" she says pointing down at light jean shorts I put on. Great, I forgot about wearing jeans to hide my legs!

"Cristina I'm fine." I say lightly, though telling her that is stupid.

"Go see Derek and I'll go get you some food." Alex says, eyeing with worry.

"Ok." I agree, though in all honesty the thought of eating just doesn't seem to appeal to me right now. I make my way into Derek's room quietly. His eyes are closed but, his color seems slightly better than when I kissed him goodbye yesterday before I went home to sleep. Quietly I approach his bed, not wanting to wake him if he was getting some rest. His eyes blink open now though. An odd sense of comfort seems to seep into me upon viewing those blue irises. I've missed them over the past five days, a grateful flash of recognition flashes in them as I gaze down at them a small smile hits my lips now. I sit down in the chair next to him and grab onto his hand.

"Hey" I say lightly, not really knowing what else to say, he squeezes my hand in response. I bed down now and kiss his lips lightly, avoiding the tape from the tube. He takes him thumb and lightly starts to stroke the back of my hand. His eyes gaze up to the cut on my forehead, then down the cast on my wrist. Concern flashes through them now.

"It's ok I'm fine I promise they don't even hurt." I say lightly soothing him now.

We stare into each other's eyes for a long while, I contemplate saying something, but he can't talk and we honestly don't even need too. Just being here with Derek and his eyes finally open is enough for me. Though, the recovery will be long, this is one step and all we can really do is take it one step at a time.


	17. Chapter 17

**Update (: please R&R it would be much appreciated.**

"Meredith! Are you even paying attention to a word I'm saying?" Cristina says agitation evident in her voice. I quickly snap out of my daydream and into a more alert state.

"Sorry, I… uh just wasn't paying attention." I say with fake life in my voice.

"I'm talking about a freakin face transplant here and your daydreaming?" she says with amazement. I'm too tired to care about just about anything.

"I'm sorry Cris, I'm just tired." I say reassuringly.

"Are you eating." She says concerned. Not much.

"Of course" I lie with a small smile. She looks at me like she's about to protest but she stops herself before any words come out of her mouth.

"Just please Mer, take care of yourself, you dying from the lack of nutrition wouldn't do Derek any good, not to mention he's worried about you and so is everyone else Mer." She say uncharacteristically. "Izzie, George and I are all working tonight but Alex is off at five so he's bringing you and Derek dinner and helping you guys out with whatever you need and I swear to god Mer if you don't eat the food he brings you I will shove it down your throat." She says a little more on par with herself, I laugh slightly at this.

"I promise I'll eat it ok?" I say reassuringly, even if I don't have an appetite I'm not about to skip a meal in front of Derek.

"OK, good now go and get Derek ready." She says satisfied. With that I walk away, the fact that Derek gets to go home excites him, convincing Bailey and the chief to let me take him home was a bitch though because first I had to convince Bailey and she talked to the chief with me about it. He's been here for a total of 2 and a half weeks now and it's still a little early for him to be going home but since we're both doctors it's really not as big of an issue.

/

"How's my favorite patient?" I say flirtatiously as I enter his room. A small smile plays on his lips and his eyes lock onto mine, a slight pang flies through me, even though he'd never admit it to me, I can tell just by looking into his eyes that he's still in a large amount of pain. His face never quite relaxes the way it usually does even when he's a sleep.

"Mer, are you sure you can take me home, we can wait until your wrist heals." He says worriedly. I lightly grab onto his hand and sit at the edge of the bed.

"Derek, it's just a fracture and I can handle taking care of you at home, honestly, do you think the chief and Bailey would have agreed to let me take you home if I couldn't? Besides I have Alex, Iz and George all living in the house too so I won't be alone." I say firmly, it's just like him to be more concerned about my stupid broken wrist then himself. He smiles at me and I kiss him lightly.

"What time can I get out of here?" he questions.

"It's eight now… they said they were coming around noon to get everything singed, so I'm hoping you'll be out of here in about four hours." I say smiling at him "Then I get to take you home and have you all to myself." I say stroking his hair now.

"Hmm…. I do have the all the nurses fawning over me here." He says. Instantly I fake a shock-horror expression and playfully pretend to be hurt.

"Derek Andrew Shepard! You take that back." I say playfully, now moving in slowly to kiss him.

"Ok, I like you better I guess." He says teasingly. I smile at him and giggle lightly.

"So I was thinking since we still have time to kill, how about you shower here so that you don't have to worry about it when we get home." I say hoping he'll agree. He nods and relief fills through me. "Ok, I have your soap." I say with that he starts to shift to the side. I grip both of his hands as he slowly swings his legs over the side of the bed, he winces as he moves and I can't help but wince with him. He lets out a sigh of relief when he's finally over and I again find myself breathing out with relief. He grips both of my shoulders and finally steadies himself enough to stand on his own, we slowly make our way to the private bathroom in his room.

"OK lift your arms." I say instructing him. He lifts then and I slowly and carefully lift the shirt over his head. He starts to pull down on his lounge pants but he cries out in pain "Derek it's ok I've got it." I say lightly stroking his arm, the fact that he can't even bend over to take off his pants and boxers without pain is killing him.

/

The warm water seems to naturally ease the tension in my aching muscles now. I can see his eyes on me now and his smile quickly turns into a worried frown as he looks at me.

"Mer" he say pained. "You need to eat." He says quietly almost pleading. I make my way over to him quickly. And rest my hands on both his shoulders.

"I wasn't really hungry for a while but I promise I'm eating now and Alex is bringing us home dinner from that Italian place we love." I say reassuringly. He studies me some more and his face now shows a slight tint of anger.

"Meredith, those bruises on your shoulders, their from someone's _hands_." He says in agony. "I was hurting you when I was gripping on to you to get out bed and you didn't even tell me!" he says more angrily than she should be in his current condition.

"You weren't even hurting me, I swear Derek I didn't even know you were giving them to me." Liar, but how was I about to tell him that he was hurting when he was in that much agony just trying to stand and get out of bed.

"Damn it Meredith! Will you stop being ok? Your always fine, you know you always try to hold everyone else up but Mer, your not fine! Your about to disappear because you barely eat anything, you have bruises on your shoulders now because of _me,_ I know your wrist still hurts a well as that huge gash down your leg, and you look like your about to fall over from exhaustion!" he says in both anger in frustration, he breathes in deeply but it's cut off by a gasp of pain, most likely from his chest.

"Hey I'm sorry, ok I just... I just want to make sure your ok and I promise I'll take care of me too." I say holding both his hands now, he kisses the top of my head lightly. My eyes finally advert to the huge red incision going from the tip of his chest all the way down past his belly button. "Sexy right?" he says sarcasticly, my heart aches a little.

"I have a thing for scars." I say lightly staring up at his eyes now.

"Liar." He says half smiling.

"OK, I did lie, I have a thing for your body, no matter what happens to be on it." I say honestly still staring up directly at him. The exhaustion, pain and stress are still written all over his features. Swiftly I take the shampoo and conditioner and put it onto my palms instantly I start to slowly messas his head, moving my fingers in slow soft circular motions I move around from his scalp down to his temples, gently releasing all then knots and cleaning it deeply. He moans now.

"That feels good." He says with pleasure in his voice. I continue to do what I'm doing and then I finally rinse it out of his hair. I squirt the body soap onto the wash clothe and the smell instantly hits my nose, it smells natural and clean, like Derek. His smell is always a combination of his after-shave, this soap, his deodorant , and of course his hair gel. Alone they of course smell amazing but together the smell is my favorite scent in the world. Gently, I start to wash his body, gently lathering the soap all over him and myself. The scent makes the stress of the day fade away and for a while it feels like it's just me and Derek and no one else in the world.

/

"OK, the paperwork is taken care." Says Richard. We both nod in relief at the fact that that's out of our way now. "Lie back and lift your shirt for me Derek." Says the Richard gingerly he lifts up his shirt revealing the big incision again. Richard starts to press down lightly on the lower part of the incision and he winces largely, his face turns to even more of a greyish color now. "There's still a lot of pain around the stomach I see." He says a bit concerned. Derek just nods slowly. "Well the stomach was torn pretty severely so it will probably be tender for some time but if it's still hurts that much in about a week or two I want to take a better look at it." He says

"Ok." Derek finally manages to get out shakily. I grab his hand and squeeze it lightly now, he squeezes it in return.

The pain will last for a while but at least now he's coming home.


	18. Chapter 18

**Ok, so I'm kind of at a dead end with this story, I've been thinking about having a slight time jump of maybe a year or so but idk, I'm still figuring it out or I've also been thinking that maybe Meredith could have suffered head trauma and is dreaming all of this while a sleep/ in a coma. But idk these are just ruff ideas. So please to everyone that reads this story your suggestions would be very helpful! Just because recovery, quite frankly will be long and boring to write and it won't give much of a story. I've also considered just giving one final chapter and ending the story but what do you guys think I should do? Please Review and let me know!**


	19. Yesterday

**Ok, so after much debate as to where to go with this story I've finally decided on a time jump to about a year give or take. Derek's mostly recovered and a lot has happened. There will be a couple flashbacks and discussion to the past year throughout these chapters. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and please Review to tell me what you think!**

**Also check out my other story Breakable, it's a slightly alternate finale and post finale/ S7 in mainly Derek's POV, I always write in Mer's so I figured why not try out Derek's? But please Review that as well because I love feedback.**

The panging noises of the rain hitting the roof of the house and the window start to become more clear as well as the surroundings of my bedroom. The window, now covered with rain drops gives me no indication as to the time, due to the lack of sunlight, I glance at the alarm clock on the table now, it reads 4:30 a.m. quickly I piece together today's schedule. Work at 7a.m 'till 7 a.m. the next morning, I let out a small groan now at the realization of a 24 hour shift but I have to catch up for all the time I missed last year and when you're in your fellowship, you don't complain about the shifts, hell I was lucky to _get in_ the fellowship with everything that happened. I roll over now and rest my hand on the other side of the bed; disappointment hits me at the emptiness of the other side. He must have never ended up coming home last night that's a shocker… not. I exhale deeply and roll out of bed now. I enter the hallway and slowly begin to make my way down the stairs; the light in the kitchen indicates that someone is in there, Derek?

"Derek?" I say in hopeful anxiety that it's him. My heart sinks a little when I see Alex sitting at the table. He turns his attention towards me now.

"He never came home last night?" he question as if he already knows the answer to the question.

"Nope." I say dully taking some coffee from the pot.

"It's ok, ever since O'Malley left for Iraq Izzie barely talks… she's distant." He says bitterly. I take the seat next to him now at the table; we stare at each other for a minute.

"When did our marriages turn into such crap?" I question angrily. He lets out a bitter laugh.

"We'd be better off just screwing each other." He jokes, smirking now, I laugh lightly with him now.

"Alex you just have to give Izzie time, she'll come around George has only been gone for three months." I say reassuringly. "I don't know if I can fix what I broke." I say in painful realization.

"It wasn't entirely your fault Mer." He says almost guiltily now "I was supposed to make sure you were taking care of yourself." He says.

"You shouldn't have had too." I say quietly staring down at the full cup of coffee.

"So it's still pretty bad?" he says.

"He barely looks at me, Alex." I say, the lump forming in my throat now, the tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes now but I try my hardest to hold them in, he looks at me now and puts his arm around me I lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder. Over the past six months Alex and I seemed to lean on each other a lot, more than I can lean on Cristina considering that she's on the other side of the country at Mayo doing her Cardio Fellowship.

"What time are you on 'till today?" he questions.

"I go in at 7 and I'm on for twenty four hours." I say dully.

"Same." He replies. His work schedule digs at me a bit, the fact that he got into the Peds fellowship and I didn't eats at me slightly, though I can't complain about general. He must notice the expression on my face now because he grabs my attention. "Listen Mer, I'm sorry about the Peds thing…" he says trailing off.

"Don't be, it's the most competitive field in medicine your great for getting in and besides I don't think I could even handle being around the kids anyway." I reply, not wanting him to feel bad besides, I probably couldn't… not anymore. Footsteps get louder as someone comes down the stairs now and Izzie makes her way into the kitchen, fully clothed she grabs a muffin and some coffee and starts sifting through the mail now, no doubt in hopes of a letter from George .

"Are you on at six?" I question her, seconds go by and the wonder of whether she's going to answer me increases.

"IZ?" Alex says loudly, annoyed now though trying to conceal it. Her head flies up from her muffin and coffee now.

"Oh sorry, what did you say Mer?" she says perkily.

"What time do you have to be in?" I question.

"Oh Six and its five now so I have to go." She says "What time does Derek need to be in? He can get a ride with me if he wants." She says smiling.

"He never came home so he must have been pulled into emergency surgery or something." I reply avoiding eye contact with her now, her smile turns to a frown now, she opens her mouth to say something but she quickly closes it after a second, she was about to ask if he had emergency surgery then why didn't he page her, his Nero Fellow.

"Oh… well then I really should go if he's already there he most likely wants me there early if anything." She says awkwardly. She pecks Alex on the cheek now and walks out the door. I grab a muffin and slowly start to peel the top off. I slide the tasty blue-berry flavor into my mouth now; my mind seems to go into overdrive. If he had emergency surgery, he would have paged Izzie. So he obviously doesn't have emergency surgery and he'd rather sleep in an on-call room than sleep in the same bed with me, painful realization washes over me, the truth stings. I walk over and toss the muffin rapper thingy and slowly make my way back up to the bedroom. I quickly put on yoga pants and a hoody and pull my hair back. I run back down the stairs now.

"Are you going for a run at 5:20 in the morning?" Lexie questions me now.

"Yeah, I'll only be twenty minutes or so." I say dully.

"It's… raining a lot out there and it's March so it's probably cold…" she says anxiously, as much as her pestering annoys me I can't flip out on her for being concerned.

"I'll be fine." I reassure her. I make my way out the door and break out into a slow jog now, running is truly the only way to relieve all the stress anymore, thanks to Alex who took me once I now make it a daily habit even though I've hated running for my entire life. The hovering and the constant concern from everyone, though thoughtful annoys the hell out of me. Everyone seems to look at me like I'm just going to break and end it all now or something. Poor crazy Meredith can't even make her Peds fellowship, her marriage is falling apart, oh and according to some of the nosy, and all too obnoxious nurses is now having an affair with Alex freaking Karev just because we spend a lot of time together! The anger boils through me as I run. I am not going to break! The rain continues to fall on me and shivers seem to go down to my bones, I'm drenched, yet I don't really care at all.

/

I make my way into the hospital now and the chatter starts at the sight of me. The whispering and glances in my direction continues but I pretend not to notice. I see Bailey and slight relief washes through me.

"Grey." She says acknowledging my presence.

"Dr. Bailey." I say putting on a small fake smile. The whispering increases and Bailey turns her attention to it now.

"Don't you damn fools have actual work to do instead of gossiping about my fellow?" she bellows at them, the nurses all give a look of fear and I can't help but laugh lightly.

"Ignore them Grey, I know you're alright." She says with a small smile "Just keep your head up." She says. I nod at her now and follow her to the patient's room. The good thing about working with Bailey, she's one of two people who don't gossip about me or stare at me like I'm about to break.

After all the rounds are done Bailey hands me my case load.

"I have a Whipple at two o' clock that you will be assisting with and you have a bleeding Spleen and an appendectomy waiting for you." She says handing me all my charts. "Oh and finish up some post op notes for me while I go check on the clinic." She says handing the rest off to me. I start on the Post-OP notes and Alex comes up next to me now.

"Post-Op notes, that blows." He says.

"I don't mind doing them for Bailey." I say casually.

"So I have this new born who needs a heart transplant." He says

"Awesome surgery poor baby." I say.

"Yeah but I have to talk these parents of this brain dead baby into letting me use the heart." He says almost in dread, well dread for Alex anyway.

"That really does suck." I say handing him a chocolate from the stash in my pocket. He smiles and pops it into his mouth now. "Let me know if you get it though, cuz if I don't have surgery or patients then I'm gonna come watch." I say he nods and takes off now, the stares continue now and I run away to the tunnels in hopes of privacy.

/

After hours of avoiding having to do the task and hoping against all logic that he'd come find me I make my way to Derek's office. I stop in front of the door now and wait for second mentally preparing myself to go in there. I open the door now and I see him, he's at his desk obviously working on charts considering he's still not completely back full time.

"Hey." I call out weakly not recognizing my own voice.

"Hey." He says in reply, not even looking up from his laptop to acknowledge my presence in the room. The tears finally start to form in my eyes now at this.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out hearing my voice crack from starting to cry. His vision finally leaves his laptop and looks over me now.

"For what?" he says in confusion, though we both know what I'm referring too. The breaths start to become more and more shallow now and I can feel myself on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Derek, I just… you know everyone looks at me and talks about me all the time! And Cristina…. She's she left me Derek, and I-I'm so sorry! I know it's all my fault… I know that but please, please stop looking at me like you hate me because I hate me and I can handle hating myself but I can't handle you hating me and not talking to me, or touching me or loving me anymore Derek." I say franticly between sobs, the final release of the emotions catches up with me and I can feel myself getting more and more panicked. He gets up now and makes his way over to me, his eyes full of concern, but not the same look I've been getting for the past five months. He wraps his arms around me now and I feel comforted by his embrace for the first time in god-knows-when. He rubs his hand up and down my back soothingly and barriers his nose into my hair.

"Shh" he says between kisses on my forehead. "Breathe Meredith" he says lightly. Slowly my breath begins to steady as we stay like this, I burry my face into his chest, taking in his scent. I pull away from him lightly now and he wipes away my tears with his finger. He starts to lightly stroke my hair now. "Mer, I don't hate you, and I know you're sorry. This has been hard on both of us but I love you no matter what, I'm just devastated and angry and I just need time to forgive you." He says as he pulls me back into him. My breathing slowly begins to steady and the relaxation finally starts to hit me. The obnoxious beeping of my pager goes off now and I pull away, he wipes the remainder of the tears from my eyes.

"I have to go remove this guy's appendix." I say still shakily. He eyes me with the Mcdreamy eyes I've missed so much and nods.

"You're okay, right?" he questions I nod and make my way out the door now.

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter I promise as I update more, details about everything that happened over the past year will be told. Please R&R, the more reviews I get the quicker the update.**


	20. Let's Build a Time Machine, Pt 1

**So I've updated this yet again! I like the time jump because it gives me so many more storylines to tackle (: but anyway this chapter will involve a lot of flashbacks and it will give you more detail about what exactly happened over the past year. This will be posted to in two parts so if I get a good amount of reviews for this part then I will post the other part soon! So please R&R I'd love feedback. Also for those of you that have read Breakable, that update will hopefully be up within the next week.**

_Time is a funny thing, it uncontrollable, unreliable, and most importantly unpredictable; this is the reason most people seem to be afraid of it. Time and change seem to go hand-in-hand, the funny thing is its set in stone there's no going back and changing it. So while during the time span all this change can occur, you cannot change time itself, as much as we all wish we could. So I just have this one question, if you could go back in time what would you do to fix the present?_

The loud and continuous noise of the coding patient seems to blare in my ears like a tick that won't just leave you the hell alone, the horrible noise just seems to go on and on. The breaths in my chest slowly start to become shallow as the initial shock where's off. Her dark brown eyes meet mine now, her features are stoic and calm but her eyes tell a different story, the glimmer of utter defeat seems to cascade out of them with just one glance. The horrible constant beep continues and I slowly start to lose my tolerance to it. She turns her head now and finally turns it off, Altman throws down her surgical gloves in defeat and storms out of the OR in heap to go scrub out for another surgery. The hot tears slowly start to prick at my eyes now but I will them away, _.cry! _Everyone seems to be eyeing me now, like I'm about to break or something it only motivates me to keep out the tears even more so. Bailey opens up her mouth to speak but quickly closes it when she hears the start of a cry. I stare at her now, there's no way she'll be able to call this. I glance at the clock now.

"Time of Death… 16:33." I say shakily, she silently thanks me for doing so.

As I exit the OR the sticky red blood all over me makes me want to shed my own skin at this very moment, _this could have been Derek._ The realization hits me like a bolt of electricity. My slow walk down the hall turns into a desperate sprint for the nearest bath room; I have to get it off! I swing open the door and a tall blonde resident eyes me curiously. I quickly brush past her and run into the shower the hot water burns my skin but I don't even care because the horrid red blood covering me sprinkles off me and swirls into the drain, I let out a deep sigh of relief. Blood has never freaked me out not even as a kid, but for some reason this particular blood makes my stomach churn ferociously. My jaw tightens and the nasty bile I've been holding in the back of my throat seems to slowly make its way to the surface, I throw a towel around me and quickly run across the now empty locker room to the nearest toilet. I hunch over the white porcelain as my stomach empties all its contents. The nausea finally seizes and my arms continue to shake from holding myself up over the toilet, I flush the contents and let myself lean against the wall now.

The familiar little office on the east wing of the building vastly approaches as I come closer and closer to the entrance. I stand there for a moment, contemplating whether or not this is a bad decision but I slowly turn the nob on the door, and the familiar blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair catches my vision. She looks up at me now.

"Meredith?" she says obviously surprised at my return.

"You fixed me before." I state rather obviously, she puts down her book now.

"I hardly fixed you, you fixed yourself." She says taking off her reading glasses.

"Do you have time… for me I mean ?" I question hopefully. She nods lightly and I take my seat across from the familiar fish tank.

"So what happened?" she questions. "You are actually going to talk this time right?" she questions in all seriousness.

"A lot happened." I say honestly.

"Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands then." She says meeting my gaze now.

"I don't even know where to start." I say in honest confusion.

"Just start from the beginning."She says insightfully. "You and Derek were in a car accident and he was injured correct?" she says in a concerned but almost monotone like voice.

"Yeah that was last year" I say quietly. She nods now and looks to me for more information.

"How badly was he injured?" she questions.

"He… he was pretty bad." I say my voice finally breaking. "There was a lot of internal injuries." I finally manage to croak out.

"But he recovered, correct?" she questions.

"Yeah he's almost there he's finally back to work." I say lightly.

"What specifically brought you in here now?" she questions. "Why not sooner after the accident?" she says curiously.

"I-I had this patient today who… the case was a lot like Derek's… injury wise I mean." I tell her. She nods in realization now.

"And the patient he didn't make it?" she says in realization… I nod at her.

/

_The nice inviting soft cushion of the chair entices me to take a seat as I near it, after three back-to-back surgeries the chair seems to feel like heaven. _

"_Back –to-back surgeries?" the familiar perky voice questions me, I look over to the direction of the voice and her presence finally makes its self-clear to me._

"_Oh… sorry Iz I didn't even notice you there." I say apologetically, she laughs lightly now. _

"_It's fine, I feel your pain." She says gesturing her back of potato chips in my direction, I gladly take them now and shovel them into my mouth._

"_I really needed those." I say thankfully._

"_Yeah me too." She says almost annoyed that I ate them all._

"_Crap… I'll buy you some new ones…" I say as I pull out two singles from the pocket on my scrubs._

"_It's fine." She says handing me back the money. "I have more food in my locker no worries." She says smiling at me. The beeping of my pager goes off and my heart sinks a little at the sound. The 911 flashing across the screen only intensifies the sinking, so much for sitting down. With that I get up and run across the hospital to the ER. I dash out the double doors and the cold Seattle wind hits my face and sends a shiver down my spine._

"_What have we got?" Altman and Hunt question both at once._

"_29 year old mail was hit by a car, suffered a broken leg and obviously internal injuries." Says Gina handing us over the gurney._

_/_

"So the injuries were a lot like Derek's then?" she questions.

"Yeah…. With the exception of the broken leg… the internal injuries were a lot like Derek's." I say remembering the massively damaged organs perfectly, like their imprinted into my brain.

"So you brought the patient into surgery." She says.

"Yeah we brought him in and we all fixed the damage the best we could." I say the memories still flashing around in my brain. "We even got the patient out of surgery he was… stable for the time being like Derek was when they brought him out." His… wife was waiting for him." I say the tears finally making their way out my eyes, I quickly brush them away. The memory of her seems to be imprinted into my mind almost every detail.

_Please don't let him die! Please we just got married and we have this whole plan ahead of us he's the love of my life so please just save him please! _ She cried out in desperation to me as I stood there frozen in place.

"She begged me to save him." I say ashamed of myself now.

"But you couldn't." she says understanding me now.

"Yeah he ended up bleeding out more and when we brought him back into surgery it was too much on his body." I say in defeat.

"So you feel guilty because you can't save her husband when yours was spared." She says understanding me now. I nod. "I understand Cristina left." She says, the pain from her words seems to rip through the stitches of denial I've been using.

"Yeah she took a fellowship in Boston." I say.

/

"_Cristina… you can't just…. You can't just leave me now." I say crying now._

"_Meredith this is the freaking Mayo clinic I have to take this opportunity when it's given to me I deserve the best." She says rationally._

"_But what about me, George, Izzie, and Alex?" I question trying desperately to persuade her._

"_That's not fair!" she exclaims "You have no right to guilt me into staying when you did the same thing and packed up and left yourself!" she exclaims in angry tears now, how dare she use that against me?_

"_That's not the same thing!" I say countering her._

"_Yeah it is! You left Seattle and now I'm leaving Seattle." She says angrily._

"_You have Owen." I say lightly._

"_My career means more to me than Owen does. Just because I chose to pick my career over my lover doesn't mean you get to be mad at me because you did the opposite!" she says._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" I counter in shock._

"_Oh Meredith, you know what it means! You spend all your time taking care of Derek now whether or not he even needs it! You've missed more work than any other resident, you went from being the best to being ordinary." She says in brutal honesty, the hurt and shock of her words hit me now; ordinary is just something I should get used to being called._

"_Fine, have a good career while us ordinary doctors get squashed below you for being human." I say dully storming out of the room now._

"_Meredith!" I hear her call after me, but I just keep walking away trying desperately to ignore her._

/

"You and Cristina got into a fight." She says clarifying my story.

"Yeah I walked away and she left the next month." I say.

"That didn't help with the abandonment issues." She says sympathetically and professionally at the same time.

"George left too" I say to add to my problems.

/

_He lets out a moan of agony as I help him out of the bed. He stands on both his feet now and slowly starts to catch his breath_¸ _I stroke his arm trying to comfort him._

"_Are you okay to go still, because we can stay home." I say making myself very clear._

"_No… standing up just hurts still that's all let's just go to the wedding and have a nice time, you're the best man… you have to be there." He says smiling dully at me now, I nod lightly at him and slowly help him slide into his tux one piece at a time. He steps both legs into his pants and I pull them up over his hips slightly kneeling as I button them. I help him slide into the jacket over his pale blue button up shirt and he buttons the jacket._

"_How do I look?" he questions, half smirking at me._

"_I better not let any of the other women near you." I say running both hands through his perfect hair as I kiss him softly. _

_After the long walk down the stairs, the struggle to get into my jeep, and the traffic filled drive I finally arrive at the church and kiss Derek goodbye as he takes his seat next to Mark. _

_Izzie frantic last minute adjustments and cries for me could be heard as I enter the back of the church_

"_Meredith, what the hell, you're late!" she says in panic and anger, oh jeez… attack of bridezilla. "Get into the dress now!" she says loudly pulling it down from the hanger, the purple flow dress is handed to me and her she pushes me to the back to put it on now. I put it on and zip it up but to my utter horror the dress falls down I stand there for a moment, frozen and panic what the hell do I do? Izzie barges in now and her eyes seem to bulge out of her head._

"_Meredith it doesn't fit!" she exclaims in horror "Damn it Meredith the dress is like a 0 and it fit last week!" she says in anger and annoyance. _

"_Iz, I'm sorry I don't… I-"she cuts me off now._

"_Meredith, are you eating?" she questions seriously now._

"_Yeah I just I think I have a weird stomach bug I can't keep anything down." I say semi-honestly. I eat…. At least I think I eat._

_/_

_The reception of the wedding is nice…. At a hall with the music and the food obviously Izzie's dream wedding. The chief eyes me now I can already see the concern in his eyes._

"_Meredith." He says cordially._

"_Chief." I say flashing him a small smile._

"_Derek seems better I was talking with him earlier." He says casually._

"_Yeah he's getting there." I say lightly. _

"_I hate to do this Meredith and I hate to rush you but…. With Cristina leaving and now George I need you back to work as soon as possible." He says seriously…. George is leaving, what the hell?_

_I storm off now and see George on the opposite side of the reception hall, the anger expression on my face meets his confused now._

"_Meredith, what's wrong?" he questions obviously confused._

"_You're joining the army and you didn't even bother to tell me?" I say angrily, he takes his hand and quickly covers my mouth. _

"_Meredith…please shut up. I was planning on telling everyone in a few days but I couldn't tell her on her wedding day… that's not fair." He says hushed. I nod at him and look over him. George joining the army… the thought makes me nauseous. _

"_George." I say grabbing his hand "Are you sure you want to do this?" I question._

"_Meredith I have to." He says eyeing me with complete confidence._

"_Just please be careful." I say he nods at me_ _and smirks _

"_I plan to be." He says taking a bite of his chicken now, the nausea builds now in my system, and I can feel the vomit rising from the putrid smell of the chicken. Crap! I run over to the bathroom now and empty out whatever little amount of food was eaten with Derek at breakfast. George eyes me with concern. _

"_What time is it?" I question fearfully hoping for it to be any time but 3:22. Please not 3:22_

"_3:22, why?" he says confused. Damn it! I let out a sigh of defeat now and eye him for a moment._

"_I've been hurling every day at precisely 3:22p.m. George and I'm late." I say finally admitting it out loud._

"_So you think you're." I cut him off._

"_Pregnant yes." I say wearily. _

**Tbc….. OK so I hoped you enjoyed this update please review and I will continue the chapter and you will figure out just exactly what happened after this flashback (:**


	21. Let's Builda Time Machine, Part 2

**Here is part two of the update! Thank you to everyone that R&R's, I promise you guys that I have a new story line to implement very soon within the next 5 or so chapters there will be some more drama happening and there will also be, for the most part, longer chapters, Please Review opinions are greatly appreciated and also check out Breakable, I'd love reviews on that as well it's mostly about Derek and is the aftermath of the shooting from his POV.**

"_I've been hurling every day at exactly 3:22 p.m. and I'm late." I say admit_

"_So you think you're…"_

"_Pregnant," I say completing his sentence "Yes George."_

"So, you **were**__pregnant then?" Dr. Wyatt says emphasizing the were, I inhale for a moment collecting myself; I was pregnant but now… I'm not, the realization that I've been trying so desperately to avoid hits. Deny, deny, deny; that's how I've been getting through. Derek never got injured, Cristina never left you, George never went to Iraq, and you _never _lost the baby…

"Derek was so happy." I say finally tearing up, he would have made the best dad in the world, where as I probably would have screwed the poor kid up beyond repair anyway.

"Did you and Derek discuss kids previously, you just got married?" she questions now. I look at the happy little fish swimming around in the tank they provide an add sense of calm, maybe that's why she has them in the patience view…

"Not really so I was pretty shocked to discover it in the first place actually." I admit to her, I _was _shocked and scared out of my mind.

_The tiny little black letters across the stick read the word __**pregnant**__in bold, black letters across and my heart rate increases a little, the room suddenly becomes too hot, like someone turned up the heat in a room previously at perfect temperature. I grimace and smile at the same time, if that's even possible. Derek and I are having a baby… the words seem to rattle my brain. Fear and excitement both seem to coil around me, like a snake you can't get loose, keeping its choking hold until you can no longer breathe, the breaths start to become shallower and I try to breathe _

_In and out, in and out; when did such a pedestrian act become so difficult? Holy shit… there's actually going to be a legit baby! What if I suck as a parent? What if Derek doesn't want kids now? I haven't even gained a pound, what if there's something wrong with the baby? What if the kid ends up being fine but it likes Derek better? The room starts to spin slightly and the lightheaded sensation only amplifies, the door barges open and the dark brown eyes of Alex meet mine, he looks at the stick in my hands and his eyes suddenly become huge with surprise. I inhale and reach out to steady myself but I feel the ground becoming closer as the spinning green-tiled blur starts to rush upward, I brace myself for impact but, a softer landing meets me as I go down._

"_Holy Shit!" I hear his voice exclaim as his arm wrap around me, he lowers me to the ground now as the spinning slowly starts to reside I lean onto his against the cool green tiles to relieve the spinning and nausea, Alex grabs my shoulder now._

"_Meredith breathe." He whispers in my ear. How can I breathe? I'm freakin' prego! Legitimately end up with a child in nine months really freaking pregnant! I try to collect the breath to talk but I it doesn't seem to come out, only a strangled breathing/crying noise that makes even me cringe at the sheer horrific sound, I hand him the test now and he stares at me. "Holy Crap!" he exclaims, "Dude your prego?" he questions. "I mean you're getting skinnier, but it looked like your tits were getting bigger, I thought that but I mean dude I never said out loud…" he says trailing off now, really Alex you look at my tits…_

"_Alex! This isn't a joke I mean holy freaking crap, I have to raise a baby that is going to come out of my vagina!... It's going to hurt,… a lot I mean do I really want to go through… all that pain? What if the kid hates me, or… what if I'm a crappier mother than my mother was. I had the world's worst mother I would be the…. World's worst mother. A baby doesn't want me it wants Derek… and like Izzie for god's sake not me!" I say between sobs now as Alex looks at me panicked, as if to say, what the hell do I do? _

"_Dude Meredith, you need to chill, there's epidurals for the pain so you won't even feel anything from the waist down. Not to mention I think you'll be a good mom, your nothing like your mother and you have Derek who is all perfect or whatever so if by some chance you do suck one good parent out of two isn't bad." He says to me in his chill Alex voice, I exhale and rest my head against the tile again, the throbbing head ache that arrived due to all the panicky sobs seems make the lights in the room painfully bright. I take my hands and lightly massage my temples now._

"_I know I just… sorry hormones." I say laughing lightly now._

"_It's cool, rather you freak out to me than Derek, because he wouldn't have been able to catch you when you almost fainted… but you should really lock the door you lucky it wasn't Lexie or Derek that walked in on you." He informs me._

"_Thanks, I needed someone to chill me out before I told Derek." I say sniffling. Cristina usually has that job… come on Meredith put on the happy face for Derek. I wipe my eyes now, and dab at them gently with the toilet paper Alex handed me. _

"_Talk about bad timing though." He says scoffing at me now, yeah really could there be a worse time? _

"_Yeah, but at least Derek will be ecstatic." I say hopefully, please let Derek be excited about this. I stand up now and I wobble slightly, his hand grabs my lower back and steadies me. I stay leaning against his hand for a moment until I find my balance._

"_Yeah, he'll probably cry." Alex says snickering. I laugh a little too now, he actually might. _

"_I think that's a little extreme." I say feeling the need to defend Derek's manhood even if what Alex says is true. _

"_Whatever you say." He says, "But twenty says he will." He says more deviously._

"_Shut up you are not taking bets on whether or not he will cry, you won't even know what goes on because you won't be here when I tell him you're all giving us the house to ourselves for the next few hours." I say shooing him out the bathroom door now._

"_Oh come on! I wanted to sit on the couch, get too drunk to walk and watch the game!" he exclaims annoyed now, yeah me too, maybe not watch the game but tequila would be nice at this point. I just laugh out loud at him now as we exit the small door we round the hallway and the pair of brilliant, bright, inquisitive, blue eyes meet mine for a moment. I smile at him and inhale deeply._

"_Were you guys in the bathroom together?" he questions nervously and slowly. Oh crap… how am I going to explain this one to him. _

"_Dude I was being a chick, its cool." Alex says nonchalantly as he brushes past Derek. Derek's flashes him an annoyed glance now and I can tell he doesn't like the idea of a man being in the bathroom alone with his wife, even if it's just because he's being a "chick" for her._

"_Derek… I swear he was, since I don't have Cristina anymore." I say wrapping my arms around his neck and touching my cold lips to his warm ones, we kiss lightly and release slightly._

"_But why were you I the bathroom?" he questions still confused by that detail. How should I tell him, show him the stick, ease into it, or just rip off the stitches and say it… I'm pregnant. _

"_Let's go sit down in the living room, I'll explain I promise." I say as I grab his hand and lead him over there. "So how was your nap?" I question as we make our way down the steep steps, one by one._

"_It was good refreshing." He says perkily though I know it's his fake, "I'm not in pain" happy voice I know its sham even if he doesn't. _

"_What's your pain level? Want me to get your Percocet?" I question concerned now for his health. No I'm ok for now, the answer bellows in the back of my head._

"_No I'm fine for now." he says right on cue I scoff internally but he flashes me a glance, maybe that wasn't such an internal scoff after all, we near the blue couches now and we both take a seat, he moves down the cushion slowly and gingerly like he'll break if he simply plops down on it like he used too, I grab his hands now and the heated palms start to cancel out the sheer cold of mine. "So… this story?" he questions changing the subject now, "Obviously he doesn't want to start anything over the snort I made at his answer, and I wish he'd just take his damn pain meds…_

"_Right so every day I've been barfing at 3:22 p.m. on the dot" he flashes me a questioning yet concerned glance now _

"_Mer are you sick or something, why didn't you tell me you've been getting sick?" he says squeezing my hands now. _

"_Derek, it's fine, I just thought I had the stomach flu but it's been going on for like a week and a half now, which is weird because it's at the same time everyday… like morning sickness only in the afternoon which technically I guess wouldn't be morning sickness.." I say trailing off now, crap Meredith get to the damn point already._

"_Meredith… what does this have to do with… morning sickness? Oh my god Meredith are you…" his voice cuts off now and I smile at him._

"_Pregnant." I say completely his sentence, a shy smile creeps across my face, anxious for his reaction to the news, his face lights up now, like a child on Christmas morning that you always see in one of those cheesy Christmas films he made me watch during the Holidays._

"_Oh my god! I…. I'm gonna be a dad and we're having a kid!" he exclaims as he cups my face and kisses me hard and passionately, he finally releases when we both run out of breath and he strokes my hair, quickly and excitedly. "I love you." He says even more gleefully. The happiness makes my heart flutter now and makes me feel at ease. _

"_We're having a baby." giggling as I repeat his words still trying to adjust to it myself. He puts his hand around my waist now and moves up to my boobs, cupping them lightly in his hands he starts to kiss the space in between them, I moan with desire and content now._

"_God I wish we could have sex." He groans as he continues to kiss me there._

"_Derek." I say catching his attention, he stops and looks up at me, I raise my eyebrow at him mischievously and he side smirks at me. "Just because we can't have sex doesn't mean we can't do other things, Alex is making sure everyone stays away for at least a couple of hours." I say as I start to slide down the cotton of his pajama pants._

"_Meredith Grey… I like the way you think." He says as I slowly slide down his boxers and slide my tongue into his mouth. He groans now with content and I continue to kiss him. Slowly moving downward, inch by inch._

"So you told Derek and he was thrilled even though you were scared." She says to me now, jotting something down on her spiral pad, I never told her she could take notes…

"What are you writing down?" I say more concerned now "I never told you, you could take notes!" I say panicked, the last thing I need is for notes to be taken down about crazy, unstable Meredith even if it's .

"Meredith, relax the notes are just for me, but answer the question.

"Ok, sorry I uh, just people kind of think I'm most likely crazy but yeah I was afraid at first, to have a baby I mean." I say, I would be a crappy mother anyway.

"Because your still have the irrational fear of ending up like Ellis?" she questions, ouch maybe she does have me pegged… but what kid wants a mom like Ellis?

"Yeah," I finally admit to her, "I just- I feel like in the end I'm gonna inevitably end up like her, my husband won't love me, my kids will resent me for never being there, only I won't even have my career because if you haven't already heard, it's going into shambles." I say exasperated… I've already mastered two out of the three… maybe the kid was lucky not to get stuck with me…

"Why would Derek hate you?" she questions almost concerned as well, you know your messed up when your shrink is concerned about you.

"It's my fault we lost the baby." I say choking up now.

"I'm sure it wasn't," she says reassuringly "I'm not a medical doctor but I do know that there was probably another reason for your loss." She says sure of herself, I scoff now at this, believe me it was all me. "Well if you say it was your fault then tell me what happened." She says dropping her hands to her knees and sitting up a bit taller now.

_Three Months Ago…_

_The rustle and bustle of ER gives me the adrenaline rush that I've so long wished for over the past few months of boring home time. The whirl of multiple traumas coming in and multiple OR's being prepped seems to make me, like every other surgeon giddy with delight. I scribble my signature on several patient charts and navigate my way through the sea that is currently over taking our ER, a hard thud hits my shoulder and an angry looking nurse rushes by me, mumbling what sounds like an apology, that or a watch where you're going._

"_!" I hear Bailey call out, "There's a man coming in with a lacerated liver in curtain 2, I have more critical patients, there's an intern on the case, both of you take the guy up to OR 3." She says handing me off the chart, I walk over to the curtain now and the anxious looking intern stands there checking his stats, she turns to me and smiles awkwardly, I try to return it but widen my eyes when she doesn't say anything._

"_Oh… sorry James Tillman, 46 year old male, he was a passenger on the RTM bus that was hit. He was tender around his abdomen so I did an ultrasound and found blood, so we took him down to CT and found that he had a grade 4 lacerated Liver as well as a small bleed in the Spleen that's already resolved itself, I gave him 10 of morphine, he is currently stable and ready to be transported up to the OR." She says anxiously and smiley, obviously a surgery junkie._

"_Ok… thank you doctor…" crap what's her name again?_

"_Doctor Fuller, I'm your intern doctor Grey…" she says trailing off now, I should probably learn my intern's names…_

"_Right sorry I blanked for a moment there but quite standing around and lets go up to the OR." I say taking the end of the bed now, she jumps from where she's standing and grabs the end as well._

"_Sorry Doctor Grey." She says as we roll the bed through the madness._

"_Grey, what OR do you have?" Torres questions as she stands at the front desk reading over charts._

"_OR 3!" I call out, no way she's taking my OR._

"_How bad is your patient?" she questions, hopeful to bump me._

"_Lacerated Liver, he needs surgery now if he wants to live." I say brushing past her, she sighs now and I keep walking. We approach the elevator and push the bed in, positioning it so that it's facing the right direction._

"_Hey!" Alex's voice calls as he grips the side of the elevator and pushes to door back to being wide open, he steps in now and smirks at me._

"_I got kicked off Shadow Shepherd's service, any way I can first assist?" he questions hopeful, the intern whom I've forgotten the name of yet again gives him a death glare but he just keeps looking to me._

"_Fine with me." I say casually, she glares at the both of us now and I finally get annoyed._

"_Do you have something to say?" I question to her, she jumps back now like a deer in headlights obviously frightened I called her on it._

"_No! It's just that I was supposed to first assist." She says expecting me to allow it. _

"_As far as I'm concerned Doctor Karev out ranks you, so you can watch like a good little intern and get the patient prepped in the OR and don't ever question me again, because the next time you do, I swear you won't see the inside of an OR for a week!"I say raising my voice now as we step off the elevator, "Your lucky the patient is a sleep otherwise I would have just kicked you off the case." I say bitterly not even recognizing my own voice, when did I get so mean? She runs off now like a scared puppy with the patient and Alex turns to me now._

"_Damn Meredith you chewed that poor intern out!" he says laughing at me, "I don't even think Cristina or I would have been that mean." He says nudging me in the shoulder. _

"_I know it's the hormones." I say making up an excuse for the nausea as well. "The whole being pregnant thing turns you into a wreck and it also makes you feel like shit!" I say as we enter the scrub room._

"_Hey Meredith, are you sure you feel ok, you look __**really**__pale and shaky." He says feeling my forehead._

"_Yeah it's fine just nausea." I say blowing him off, the dizziness returns and grip onto the side of the sink for balance_

"_Meredith… You don't look so good, have you eaten at all today?" he questions. No…._

"_Yeah Alex I'm fine, I'll eat after this surgery!" I say biting his head off. He stares at me now in anger, why did I even let him scrub in on this?_

"_Come on Meredith! I promised Shepherd that I'd make sure you ate, your pregnant 3 months pregnant for Christ sakes and you haven't even gained any weight!" he says waving his arms at me now._

"_Get out of my OR!" I say in utter anger now, "Seriously I can handle it myself just go!" I say shooing him out the door with my hands. He grabs my arm now and whirls me around to face him._

"_Damn Meredith, I'm not leaving the OR I'm staying here with you and making sure you don't pass out while your operating on your freaking patient because believe me when I tell you, there's no way in hell your about to forcefully remove an All-State wrestler from you OR!" he says forcefully, I whip around in anger now because I know he's right, if he wants to stay in this OR, unless I call the chief there's no getting him out. I speed walk into the room now and let my utter annoyance be known, I waltz up to patient now with the intern and Alex both next to me. _

"_Scalpel!" I hear myself bark at Bokey who hands me it immediately. I make the 5 inch incision for the laparotomy now and the rush seems to come back over me, I open up the abdomen and expose the huge Liver laceration. Crap, what's that intern's name again? My mind seems to run blank on it so I turn to face her now._

"_How would you proceed?" I ask her, expecting to hear the correct answer, she looks at me dumbstruck now, "I said if this were your patient and you just opened them up, looking at the laceration how would you proceed!" I repeat myself a little more angry and dizzy than before. She jumps slightly then finally opens up her mouth to speak._

"_Well, you wouldn't use sutures due to the size of the laceration, you would want to either ligate individual vessels or pack it with long gauze soaked in Saline." She stutters at me, maybe she's not so incompetent._

"_Very good." I say still coldly. I begin to Ligate the vessels now one by one and the dizzy sensation begins to take over, so badly that I feel as though I'm about to vomit. _

"_Dr. Grey are you alright, you look really warm and pail." Says the over ambitious intern. I continue to breathe and try to steady myself out but it seems as though I can't shake it. I turn to face her but all I feel is a whoosh of air as I feel myself falling downward and the world going black, I brace myself for impact and the cold, hard OR floor hits meets me when I slam down onto it, then… nothing black. _

_/_

_Alex Karev quickly reacts to catch his friends as he realizes she's falling to the ground, but it's too late to catch her, the light thudding noise of the impact makes him wince immediately, panic and fear both coil their way around him, freezing him for a moment, he'd never admit it to himself but in times of crisis Alex Karev freezes, Izzie freaks out, Meredith shuts the world out, George remains calm but Alex… he freezes up. He stands there for a moment, awe struck, not able to move, "what do I do?" seems to be the only thought his mind can process. Lisa Fuller, the overeager intern looks to him desperately now, she eyes him, her wide brown eyes wide with confusion and adrenaline. The rushing and blank slate, that is Alex's mind seems to continue to whirl and block out all sight of his friends intern, suddenly, as if someone let go of a rubber band overly stretch, his mind snaps right back into place._

"_Fokker Get a gurney now!" he yells out to scared puppy-like young intern._

"_It's F-Fuller." She stutters, his temper seems to boil over now, like a pot full of boil water that's been left on the flame for too long. _

"_I don't give a damn what your name is, GET A GURNEY!" he barks angrily at the intern, she jumps back in fear now but rushes out the door at a sprint, hoping to avoid future contact with Alex Karev in the future. He snaps down now and takes Meredith's pulse, weak but there, he reaches his hands down but their suddenly met by dark red blood, that's not the patients. The blood cascades down her legs, like a dam burst and the sick feeling his stomach intensifies when he realizes exactly what's happening. The blaring noise of beeping in the background confuses him for a moment, like someone left on an annoying alarm clock, was he dreaming, he really hopes he is…_

"_Dr. Karev!" he hears the voice of an anesthesiologist call from behind. "The patient!" Dr. Ross calls angrily from behind, the gurney along with a team of Doctors flies into the room now and his legs will him to run over to the scrub room, step by step. Owen Hunt and Mark Sloan feel their hearts drop when they see exactly who's lying on the ground of the OR floor with a puddle of blood around her frail, broken looking body. Where the hell did the blood come from? Seems to be the only thing that enters Owen Hunt's mind. They run over now and easily lift her onto the gurney, as Alex slowly he sees the backs of both the large men exiting the OR with the gurney. The realization dawns on him now, "She's Pregnant!" he hears himself call across the OR, though he didn't will himself to say it, both men turn around him complete shock now, and quickly realize what all the blood's from. Pain at the thought of his best friend, __**his brother**__ losing his wife and unborn child while he's trying to recover himself cripple Mark as he picks up the pace and rushes her to an exam room._

_/_

_As Derek Shepherd enters the hospital anxiety, fear, horror, anger, and self-blame all seem to shower over him at once. He picks up the pace as the overly anxious Izzie Stevens walks beside him, her car keys jingling with each choppy, quick-strided step she takes. The gossip, that already seems to be flying around the walls of Seattle Grace stops suddenly at the site of the Neurosurgeon in the lobby, they all turn to stare at him now and he feels himself tense up, what happened to his wife? He looks around for a moment but quickly deflects his glance to the front desk, like a horse wearing blinders, all he sees is that desk, everything around him no longer has the least bit of his attention. He rushes up to the desk now and Izzie struggles to keep up with him now as his pace increases. _

"_Where is she?" his voice sounds harshly with angst and fear. _

"_They moved her up stairs to one of the private rooms so that no one will hover outside the room, room 4521." Debbie says dying to know exactly what's going on in there herself, the rumors of Meredith's lost child, which she herself has been spreading around need to be accredited for. He nods curtly at the woman and gives her the cold shoulder, knowing she's gossiping wildly about his wife already. He takes off up the stairs as quickly as his legs will take him now and the tension as he nears the room builds continuously with each step closer he takes each step towards it. Every horrifying image of his wife near death pops into his head as he storms around the corner followed by a now half jogging Izzie. The site of Owen Hunt, Mark Sloan, and Richard Webber all outside the door of the room only seems to make it stomach churn with unease._

"_What happened?" he says, his voice rising in angst. He goes to push past the men now but they block him out. Mark gulps now and attempts to gain up the courage to tell his best friends the news. He grabs his arm now and locks eye contact with him, by one look from his best friend Derek Shepherd knows that something major happened._

"_Meredith repairing a liver laceration and she passed out in surgery…" he takes a deep breath now willing himself to say the rest of the dreaded news out loud, "She… she was dehydrated, malnourished and she-"he voice breaks now and Derek feels his heart hit the ground knowing what his Mark was about to say. Owen eyes both the men and can't help but feel for them both._

"_She had a miscarriage, due to the lack of nutrition and the dehydration, the pregnancy just couldn't take it." Owen says, knowing Mark wouldn't be able to will the words out of his mouth. Richard cringes at the words and stands respectfully behind the men wishing none of this really happened. Derek feels his heart rate increase and his pain shoot through the roof, like someone put a bag over his head and kicked him in the ribs, he gasps for air now, and feels the hot tears shedding from the corners of his eyes. _

"_I should have known, if I paid more attention she would have been eating more, and I would have made sure she drank… she… the bab-… they would have been ok." He chokes out wishing he would have stopped it. "I could have fixed this." he moans in agony. Owen, feeling awkward around the man he barely knows respectfully walks away now, leaving the other three men standing behind him. "Will she be okay?" Derek questions fearfully. Mark nods at him and he feels the slightest bit of relief at the thought of this but the disappointment and crushed feelings of losing the baby seem to make him weak at the knees. He stares at the door and gestures dully at the two to allow him to enter the room. Richard grabs his shoulder now, "Derek, this is not your fault, your still recovering from massive injuries you couldn't have done anything, but Meredith's going to be fine." He says feeling this is the only condolences he can make, Derek just nods, knowing he won't be able to talk due to the restricted feeling in his vocal cords. He brushes past them and into the small room. The view when he enters the room makes him want to vomit or just collapse right then and there. Her appearance is quite frankly scary. She's pale, though her skin is usually pale she looks ghostly white. Her hair is messy the clumpy waves sprawled out wildly on her pillow, he gets closer to her now and it only heightens is dismay. The dark circles under her eyes contrast greatly against her skin. He grabs her hand now and feels as though something has shattered him into a million pieces, how did he not realize she lost this much weight? He studies her more and the weight loss is more and more apparent to him, she's pregnant, she should have gained at least some weight by now. He runs his fingers gently up and down her arm and the chills run up his spine at the cold touch. The clear IV fluids and the bag of crimson red blood hanging above her and make her condition apparent. He carefully sits down on the chair beside her bed now and shoves his head between his knees, how could I not notice, seems to be the major thought harping in his mind. He slowly begins to process the information and he finally cries; for the accident, for his sickly wife, and for the child he'll never get to meet. Derek Shepherd finally releases it all._

_/_

"You were dehydrated and mal nourished… that's how you lost the baby, no other cause?" she questions me, not biased unlike everyone else's opinions. I make eye contact with her now, and much to my surprise she doesn't look at me like I killed my baby, or pitifully, or angrily; she looks calm and interested, the way I need someone to look.

"Yeah… I was, well I didn't really take care of myself." I admit to her, though it's probably and understatement.

"Well, you're taking care of yourself now." she says, not so much a question but just a statement of fact. Yeah… three months too late…

"Yes, Derek and Alex hounded me for a while." I say annoyed at the thought.

"So, things between you and Derek are rocky." She says more intrigued now, "Yet he hounded you?" she questions, though I think she knows the answer to this one, this is definitely one of those, "I'm teaching you important life things, Meredith" questions.

"Well yeah, of course he did, he's Derek." I say a bit more snarky than I wanted too, "Well I just mean, I know he's mad at me but he still loves me and I love him." I say, I sadden now, wishing desperately to go back to before the accident.

"Exactly, he loves you." She says emphasizing the love when she says this. "So Meredith all you can do now is try to fix the problem." She explains, I never thought of _that_ , I want to reply, but I stop myself from being rude.

"How do I do that?" I question, I really wish she'd just tell me the answers…

"I don't really have an answer for you… you just have to figure it out and go with it as you go along." She says smiling at me now, "Believe me when I tell you Meredith things between Derek and you will improve." She says, I really hope so.

"God I hope so." I say lowly, almost defeated, her facial expression hardens now, indicating that she's about to give me more words of wisdom. I raise an eyebrow at her now, gesturing for her to come out with it.

"You're healthy now, I can see that. You've put weight back on, you look better, and Meredith… you're not denying things anymore, you came to me to help you and that's exactly what I'm going to do." She finally says, I exhale now out of relief, maybe things could improve. The sudden beeping noise of my pager makes me jump, my heart rate increases slightly now, of course it's a freaking 911 page, why wouldn't it be? I look at her apologetically and she just nods lightly understanding the urgency to leave. I quickly stand up now and go to rush out of the room but I hear her stir against the leather seat for a moment.

"Meredith!" she calls out, I turn my attention to her now, "Feel free to schedule an appointment or come back, whenever you need or _want _to." She says, I nod at her now; I probably will come back, I turn around now and rush out the door and off towards the ER, 12 more hours…

/

My shoulders slump in exhaustion as I tug my trench the royal blue trench coat on over the grey trousers and green sweater I wore to work. The exhausted beat down feeling from the 36hr shift finally takes its toll on me as I exit the resident's lounge. The brightly lit hallways of the hospital hurts my eyes due to the dim lights of the room I previously inhabited. I lazily sling the brown coach bag over my shoulder now, and quicken my pace toward the lobby. The haze makes me oblivious to my surroundings at the moment, I'm too tired to even pay attention to anything. I feeling of free falling as I reach my foot out startles me, my heart jumps into my ears but the solid ground underneath it calms me, I exhale in relief; remember Meredith, to get to the lobby you have to walk on the stairs. I look downward now, hoping not to miss the steps as I make my way down, I really don't need to be even more of the center of attention around Seattle Grace Hospital.

"Hey." His voice startles me as he walks up beside me now, "You ready?" he questions shortening his step to be more in sync with mine.

"Yeah, I'm more than ready to get out of Alex." I say as we exit out the double doors together, he breathes out loudly, indicating that he wanted to chuckle but for some reason refrained from doing so.

"I heard about that dude with all the major injuries died." He says stating the simple fact.

"Yeah, this was a pretty crappy day." I say dully as we exit from under the canopy like roof that was previously protecting us from the drizzle, the cold Seattle chill hits my skin now and I feel myself shiver. The cold rain quickly falls down on me now, like someone put their sprinkler directly on me from a distance. I quicken my pace to a jog and dash for the old blue jeep. Alex mirrors me and we both stumble our way into the car.

"I really hate fucking rain." He says annoyed, I laugh now.

"Good thing you live in Seattle." I say shoving the keys into the ignition, the engine rumbles to life and I feel myself wake up a little from the combination of that and the cold of the rain.

"Can we stop at McDonald's? I'm starving." He complains sounding childish.

"Yeah I'm hungry." I say as my stomach seems to growl right on cue. Fries sound amazing right now.

The door lightly clicks as I close it behind me and lock it. I lean against the cold wood, supporting myself for a moment. The emptiness of the house is peaceful, something I haven't experienced in months. The cold from the rain seems to radiate down into my bones, making them feel brittle as the shaking continues and my breathing gets shallow due to the cold. I feel the water drip off my bangs and down my neck as I make my way up the stairs, my now bare feet padding with each step I take up the cold wood floors that feel like ice against my feet. I slowly creep into my bedroom now, Derek is of course nowhere to be found and disappointment harbors me. I slip out of the wet clothes as quickly as I can, the urge to take a bath seems more and more appealing but the exhaustion prohibits me from doing so. I grab a hoodie from the top left drawer and thermal pajama bottoms, I throw on the warmest pair of socks I own. The empty bed staring back at me is disheartening. The fact that Derek isn't home yet is even more concerning to me, _what if he got hurt again?_ The inevitable thoughts of horror sweep over me, I push them out now, hoping he'll at least be home soon. He won't want to sleep with me so giving him the bed would be nice… I guess the pull out couch will have to do. I slip out of the room and switch off the light, too lazy to even pick up the wet clothes.

The living room looks calm and serene as I enter the large room with the fire place on the back center wall. I walk up to the brown plush couches and pull out the bed on the large one, I throw the assortment of warm blankets already in the room on top of it and plop down with my pillow after turning on the fire place. The warm heat rays make my core feel warm and safe, like I can sleep with ease. I close my eyes and the long hours catch up to me instantly.

I blink rapidly as I hear the soft creaking noise the old pull out couch makes when someone gets on it. The urge to turn over succumbs me but I resist and close my eyes again, I'm too freaking tired. I feel his nose cuddle into the back of my head and my heart leaps a little, his warm lips kiss my neck and I turn over now, his bright blue eyes meet mine and I smile from the corner of my mouth.

"Hey," he says as he strokes my cheek, "you had a long shift." He says soothingly, kissing my nose now.

"Yeah it was crappy." I say nuzzling into my pillow. He stares at me for a moment and I stare at him back.

"Do you want to tell me about it or are you too tired?" he questions, hoping I'll tell him.

"Well I am quite tired but for you Dr. Shepherd I suppose I could explain a little." I say lightly touching his cheek now. "I miss lying in bed with you." I admit quietly as he strokes my thigh up and down.

"I miss it too Mer." He agrees lightly.

"But I lost a patient today." I say tearing up now, he looks at me with his perfect Mcdreamy sad eyes and I almost loose it. "It's just he- he had a lot of internal injuries and the whole case just reminded me a lot of you and me." I admit absently running my fingers in circles around his chest.

"I'm sorry, that does suck Meredith." He says compassionately. "How bad were you after?" he questions concerned, of course people were talking about me, that's why he got in bed with me….

"What Derek are people telling you that your wife is crazy? Is that why you got in bed with me in the first place? Well don't burden yourself I saved you the entire upstairs." I say in anger now he shoots me a confused and angry glance and I suddenly feel stupid.

"Meredith people said you had a hard loss today, but do you really think I listen to the nurse's gossip?" he questions raising his voice above the whisper we were speaking at.

"Sorry I- uh sorry." I say biting my lip, his expression softens and I lean my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me, making me feel safe and warm. "I went to today." I state, waiting anxiously for his reaction, maybe he can believe them now.

"Did you talk about everything?" he questions, his voice sounding… odd, a hint of sadness but just different than it normally would.

"Yeah, I told her about three months ago and Cristina leaving, just everything that's happened in the past year." I admit.

"What does she think?" he questions lightly, kissing the top of my head the way I like.

"She thinks things will get better." I say hoping for the right reaction from him, I feel myself tense up and so does he slightly in reaction to me.

"I have to say I agree with her." He says optimistically. I feel myself beginning to fill with hope and joy now just at the thought of him agreeing, hell even just knowing he's sleeping in the same bed as me again. I snuggle in closer to him now and he does the same to me, his scent lulls me gently and the hope for a better tomorrow hangs over me.

_As I said before time… is a funny thing. It's unforgiving, unchangeable, and sometimes the results can terrify us. That's why so many fear it rather than embrace it. But if there's one thing I've learned about time, even it makes some things worse, sometimes it can unknowingly strengthen a bond and that, no matter how horrific the events time unfurls for us, is worth it in the end. _


End file.
